Continuing to be anxiolytic....

Ah! I'm back! For those of you who wish to continue reading the words of a philodox please begin reading. If you are already getting periblepsis or lippitude, I forgive you, and you may come back another time when you are better.
My horbgorbling has a method if you will just bear with me for a moment. As a side point, you know that Medrish that says the malach hits you on the upper lip and you forget all your torah you learnt in the mothers stomach? I have discovered the name for it. It is called your philtrum. How cool is that?!
If you are dying for some other proficuous morsels of my writing then you must beg for more.....
Just kidding, I would never do that to you ;-) that would just be frustraneous for you and me because you would never read my blog again!
Unlike other blogs, I have no agenda to give you a mentimutation. If I do, it is unintentional. If you are experiencing dysphoria as apposed to euphoria at this point in my ramblings I will send you a raincheck in the mail for your time wasted if you write to me a LONG e-mail detailing how kind, nice, smart, yada yada, and beautiful I am.

Foe those of you whos malaise for loving me still at this point isn't cured yet because you are such a alterocentric, i want to thank you for being there in the world. You make the world a much happier and better place.

Many times I have the conditions neoteinia, amentia and matutolypea. I hope my future wife can deal with it! They are not contagious so she won't have to worry. If any reader knows a cure please write it in the comments.

Normalcy

I have been pondering in this humid, sticky, unbearable, smell, disgusting hole of a place called NY, about my misfortunes and how they evolved into becoming my defining cacoethes. This unnerving habit is called cacoethes scribendi, as apposed to cacoethes loqendi which I don't have because of my shyness. I have somewhat of a case of cacoethes carpendi depending on my moods.

Are you wondering why I have become a logomaniac? You can see what summer has done to me. I have discovered by reading blogs that I have the syndrome lethologica and loganamnosis. I have decided in my spare time to become a verbivore. There is no better time to read There's A word for it! in the bathroom during Yeshiva Bein Hazmanim.
As you enter the linguistic stratosphere that has been borrowed from the book please do not confuse me for a grandiloquent guide; I am not.
Please do not become a trichotillomanic while you read this post. It will not help for shidduchim. For all of you people worrying in my previous posts about my imparlibidinous with my future wife, please do not be concerned, I am working to be the best I can be, but any help is certainly welcome. I do need help in avoiding acokoinonia in my marriage since I fear I have dishabillophobia.

Thank G-d I do not suffer from bathysiderodromophobia or there would be no way I could get around NY.

If you are beginning hate my battology or circumlocutions feel free to press backspace now.
In this multivious blogging world I am becoming sick of reading blogs that have no spice. They do not help me cope with omnistrain. Therefore I am stuck with looking for a cure for my nullibiety.

I am NOT having a checkle right now!

To be continued.........

Why I want to get married.

Ramban
2:24

A man should therefore leave his father and his mother and cling to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

And cling to his wife, and they shall come one flesh- According to Rashi, “ one flesh” refers to the child wherein their flesh becomes united. But this does not stand to reason, because even cattle and beasts [which do not cling to their mates] become united in their offspring. I think the correct interpretation is as follows: Male animals do not bond with females. Rather, the animals mate and go different ways. Adam’s wife was “bone from his bone and flesh from his flesh,” therefore he would cling to her, loving her as his own flesh, and wanting to be with her always. Adams nature is ingrained in his offspring, therefore males leave their fathers and mothers, clinging to their wives, and considering them their own flesh. In fact, by leaving his father and mother man shows that his wife is closer than his parents are.

We find in the Torah that close relatives are called “near of his flesh.” For example After all he is our brother, our own flesh. (37:27) and, No person should approach his near flesh,(lev. 18:6) meaning a close relative.

The Source

Ramban
2:18

Hashem said, “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper to face him.”

It is not good for man to be alone- It seems unlikely that man was created to be alone in the world incapable of begetting children, since all living things of all species were created male and female to have offspring. Herbs and trees, were also created bearing their own kinds of seeds. It is possible to explain man’s creation according to the view of R. Yirmeyah b. Eliezer who said: G-d created man originally with two profiles. A reproductive force or perhaps a seed, could pass from his male part to his female part as debated by scientists on the nature of pregnancy. The second profile of man helped the first profile to beget offspring. G-d saw that it would be good for the “helper” to face the man, so he could see it and separate or connect with it as he wishes. Thus, the verse says, I will make a helper to face him[meaning: I will make the helper who is now attached in the back of him, face him, unattached].

[Why was man as a single two part creation called not good?]

Man in his single two part state, could not be described with the phrase “it was good”, for he did not continue to exist in this form. The phrase “it was good” during the week of creation means it achieved its final form, as I have explained on the verse, And G-d saw that it was good. (1:10).

Labels

Real or Fake
Garbage Men

I would like to state my opinion on these two posts.

I believe people who label any boy into categories of learning and working is doing a big disservice and avla to girls who are looking to get married. Boys are not objects that "learn" or "earn". They have feeling and desires like any other human including girls. Everyone in life is trying to do their best. If a girl believes she is going to be "cheated" out of something by marrying the wrong boy that is a lack of emuna (or research). Lawyers, accountants, doctors, learners, garbage men, are equal in my eyes for the record. One does not have more prestige over the other. People do what they enjoy. Some have more capabilities than others and can do a greater service. It doesn't mean they are better. A boy who can learn should. When a teacher is saying to marry a "someone who learns Torah" boy I doubt they are belittling the value of making a parnassa. By even thinking and stereotyping that there is a difference, you do a disservice to yourself and others. Every man is mechuyav to provide for his wife and to learn Torah, some more, some less, depending on their level of emuna. A man doesn't have to have a "good name job" to provide for his family. The sad part is, that there are girls who are such balei gaiva that they look down upon boys who are earning a living from something that doesn't have such a good name. So what if your husband is a garbage man, it pays the rent. No wonder they can't find their shidduch.

Who am I?

Question for my readership. Is my blog obviously Jewish? If you are: a reform/conservative/ free liberal/reconstructionist/unafiliated/yeshivish/modern orthodox/Bal Teshuva/Sefardi (all types)/Ashkenazi (all types including Russian)/Chiloni/ Datai Leumi/Lebavitch/Yekkish/ (if I left anyone out it is unintentional..please write your affiliation in the comments)

JEW

Do you consider me Jewish? What would you call me?

A religious fanatic/haradi/Ulta-orthodox/confused/modern chasiddish/yeshivish/ maker of own religion/ modern orthodox/ Bal Teshuva/ enter your own name here/

I would love to hear from you.

Growth Spurts

What is a Jew? What defines a Jew?
Growing in Jewishness; English for Yahadut, or in Yiddish; Yiddishkeit, or frumness; in the modern cloquial slang is vey subjective.
I can only speak for myself.
I am now listening to the newest sensation in Jewish music, Matisyahu . He is a reggae composer. I find it to be cool. (Especially the song chop 'em down).

Chop 'Em Down

Chorus:
From the forest itself comes the hand for the ax
Split this wilderness listen up this ain't where it's at
Clear a path so that you could find your way back
Chop 'em down, chop 'em down; chop 'em down, chop 'em down

Time flies by like clouds passing in the sky lifetimes hear and gone like the blink of an eye
March through this desert one-step at a time, march through the desert one step at a time

Chorus: From the forest itself comes the handle for the ax,
Drop the staff Moshe rabbainu split the ocean in half,
March through the desert this ain't where it's at
Chop 'em down, Chop 'em down

Patterns engraved not so easily erased, still wandering trying to find your place
Playing the game I see pain on your face now a day's the yiddin like children sold as slaves
Strange ways running through the maze, strange ways always lost in the desert trying to
find to find your place lost in the desert trying to find your place

Chorus

Joseph descended sold as a slave,
thrown into a dungeon cause he wouldn't be swayed
Interpreted pharaoh's dreams and Egypt was saved
stock piled food for seven years of rain
then sold to all the nations when the drought came
Joseph rose to power and the yiddin stayed
They started to build and success was made
Pharos getting worried let's make them pay bound in chains
First born was sent down to their graves
Moshe was saved and a prince he was raised
Hashem spoke to him hears a message to relay
Take my Nation from Mitzrayim (Egypt) I see the suffering
Hard hearts ego breaks take sparks and make way
Trail blaze through the wasteland breaking the chains
Last generation just the ruminants
March through the desert leaving footprints
Peel off the lid this is just plastic, get into it, get into it
Heavy hitter stepping solid never quitter jump into the ocean before it split got a jump into it
Rip through Egypt rip through it,
get into it, 600,000 witnessed it, no you didn't forget
In the spiritual desert things are not what they seem
snakes camouflaged just fit the scene
Put your faith in a mirage it's just a smoke screen
The king is sitting on his thrown of glory

Jewish culture is part of growing in Yiddishkeit. Music, chazzanut, (which I am very fond of...nothing can beat Dovid Werdeiger to make me calm), brissim, weddings, holidays, minhagim, pictures, art, menorahs, shul archetecture ect. It can inspire one to become closer to Hashem and the Jewish people. Seeing how Millions of Jews lived through the melleniums is inspiring to believe that it has some source and purpose. I must/will become part of that link to expand and develop that purpose that g-d had in mind when he commanded Abraham to go forth from Charan.

Value-Our Net Worth

What do I want? What is wants? Desires? How much is it worth to me? How much is education worth? What is its value? Can I place a value on knowledge? What makes value? What is invaluable? What knowledge is important? Can I ever have enough of knowledge? How valuable is Torah? Can I place a value on Torah? Can I place a value on people? Why are some people more valuable than others? When does something become expensive? Can education become expensive enough not to spend on it any money? What create money?
I sure you've seen by now what's going on in my head during shabbos. Is our communication and relationships, and understanding of Hashem limited by our language and if it is, does Hebrew encompass all possiblities of all possible knowledge? Can English fill the void and accomplish and develope a better understanding of hashem and his creations? Is there a need to understand science and how it works to fufill g-d will of us and to gain ultimate joy in Olam Haba?
When is it enough to decide I've done my Hishtadlus for parnass/shidduchim and now I can sit back and let Hashem do his thing? One question leads to the next.......
One thing I CAN tell you. Creating Torah value is invaluable.

*NO*

NO, you may not steal.
NO, you may not look.
NO, you may not touch.
NO, you may not talk.
NO, you may not buy.
NO, you may not move.
NO, you may not listen.
NO, you may not eat.
NOTHING, NEVER, NOBODY, NADA, EFES................

Basic
Protection
Social
Recognition
Self-actualization

The heiarchy of man's wants.

Where does Hashem, Torah, Chesed come in?

Big Q

Big Question
Interesting essay. I can't write my opinion on it because I am Nogeah Bedavar.

MUST READ

You've just go read this post. EXELLENT:
Techeyas Hameisim

*RESPONSIBILITY*

"Whoever has the ability to protest against the wrongdoing of his family
and fails to doso bears responsibility for the guilt of his family; if he
has the ability to protest against the wrongdoing of his city he bears
responsibility for the guilt of his city; if he has the ability
to protest against the wrongdoing of the entire world he bears
responsibility for the guilt
of the entire world."

- The Sages Rav, Rabbi Chanina, Rabbi Yochanan and Rabbi Chaviva

- Shabbat 55b

*HURT*

Have you ever hurt someones feelings? Do you ever get the feeling of being misunderstood? Do you ever wish you didn't have to make tough decisions?
My head is spliting. I need a guiding hand. When I call out to Hashem why don't I feel that he responds?
Money woes and career choices....misunderstandings and desperation.
Besides the Bittul Torah.
Lessons in life to be learnt.
Why must I make the choices?
Not to be selfish....
I give myself over to him.

Malas Ha'Torah (& ME)

I am going to title this post, Ma'alas Hatorah. It is about time I write why Torah is great and important. I'm not called Torah Jew for nothing. Heheheh.
Learning G-d's word imbues the human soul with a greatness unbeknowst and unattainable to the masses. Without getting into technichalities of how, why, when, where, who, it is a bavusta zach that Torah makes good humans, husbands, money, humor, and emtional and physical, and spiritual happiness. That's what its all about. A purpose and a goal. The end goal is Olam Haba. *side- I can't understand how some people can write 100 pages sefarim on this topic, I'm running out of ideas*
Where was I? Right. Torah makes me great becuase I learn it. Hold it girls, doesn't mean your not great. If you support me and give me money and raise my children you'll also have a portion in Olam Haba with me. (What if we only have girls? Hmmmmm, I'll have to think about that one. Is it better to have boys, or girls who would marry beni torah?).
Torah is so great because it includes eveything.
*rummaging for my cookies*
JK wouldn't do that when writing about Torah it is not kovodik.
Well bottom line. Torah is great, go out and learn it.
(of course I'm talking to myself here- you girls get a job).
O.k., O.k. you can stop throwing tomatoes at me. :-)

Malas Ha'Adam

It seem as if I have been humble. Too humble. I am sitting typing on the keyboard, Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper in one hand, burger in the other and typing with my toes. JK, I'm switching off at interverlssssss. What makes me great, and what makes me unique? I am a human, I have two hands, feet, a brain (some say I don't but I don't believe them), eyes, 248 body parts, 356 sinews, 613 kabalistic body parts ect. ect. I am great. So what? So are you. I am sarcastic at times, I admit that. Take it or leave it. Strike that. Don't leave it. Take it. Accept me for who I am. Don't try to make me grow. It hurts. Leave me alone.
Back up. I am talking about my greatness. A human talks, enjoys beauty, can have pleasure, can choose life, make a difference in this world, learn torah, decide yes or no. I should be proud of what I can do, and not be upset at what I can't. I have the right to remain positive (and silent). Giving up is failure. I don't want/like failure. failure is bad. Bad dog. Talking is pleasurable. (convince me of that one). I am great becuase I am NOT an animal. *swallowing burger* *deep swigg of soda*
'Till next time,
Semper Fi -from the Kovod Rabbi

Agunah to Feminisim

I feel the need to write a rebuttle to an article written in the Jewish Herald, week of June 17, 2005. It is titled A Chance For Redemption. It is written by Barbra Sofer. She starts off writing,

"I recently gave into blackmail. In my eclectic e-mail forwarded by my Jersualem Synagogue: 'Would I like to share in the mitzvah of helping an agunah', 'a woman who'd been refused a divorce, 'gain her freedom?"......

She then goes on writting a sob story of an Ethiopian woman who's husband demands an exorbant amount of money to give a get.

Not something I myself would call blackmail.....but o.k., she wants to get you attention.

She continues,

Divorce in Israel easily becomes an exercise in extortion. Just this week I heard that a recalcient husband jailed for five years recieved his freedom-as well as $50,000 prize and a month at a five star hotel......

Kind of hard to believe someone raised $50,000, but o.k. sometimes the impossible or stupid happens.

Correcting this situation shouldn't be a contest between woman's groups and the rabbinical authorities.

I can't continue to paraphrase the article so in a few words she says, Who should we give over the power of divorce? Not the Rabbi's in Israel they are bad people. Reform is the way to go. Their Rabbi Naama Kelman (a woman- not that I have anything against women-but it is dubius to me that she knows what she is talking about) "accomplished" allowing 5,000 Israeli couples to be married in Cyprus, including Kohanim to divorcees and the "people who can not be married in Israel". She writes, "this makes me very sad, but who can blame them?" Uh, right!

"More and more couples who want to avoid dealing wth the entanglments of the Orthodox Rabbinate are heading to Cyprus...."

In Israel we have special foreign organ-transplant insurance becuase we are so grudging about donating organs. An enterprising insurance company should offer divorce insurance for couples brave enough to marry here..."

Hummm, the only intelligent thing so far. All I need is your signature. Yah right, it would be the worst investment because you're so feminist, your husband would divorce you in a week.

BUT this is the clincher:

That would be funny in people's lives wouldn't be ruined, or if our holy torah wasn't being discraced by the way divorce is handled. As we approch tikkun leil shavuos, our rabbis should have REFRAINED from teaching and, instead, used the nights of study to come forth with a solution replacing blackmail with the light of Torah."

Helllooooo lady. Look who's talking about TORAH. Like, you know what it is.

You disgust me.

Homing device

I have just returned from a very long night partying. After tutoring, I went to a wedding in Monsey, missed my chavrusa's vort :( , went to someone else's vort becuase my ride back into Brooklyn had to stop off to say Mazal Tov at 1:20 am! And here I am, 2:00 am, sitting at the computer screen letting off steam. And I wonder why I will miss Shachris tommorow morning. (Now that I am reminded, I must make up the Daf tommorow). At the unexpected vort, which was on its last legs by the time we got there, an old lady decided to pick a conversation with me. I politely listened since I am not good at ignoring people, even though sometimes I should, because when they ramble and spew garbage it can affect me. One thing stook out, which I can't tell if it is a Jewish thought or not, but it sounds intelligent, is that there are people, animals, and humans. She also said shalom means respect, which I don't know if that is true in Jewish thought. Be what may, it was an unnerving conversation. (Maybe if she would have been a cute chick instead of an old hag, I would have appreciated it more).
On the way up to Monsey, I heard a great shiur by R' Frand about Lashon Hara and on Teshuva. He is really a dynamic speaker. His words reach to the soul. I really admire him and wish to emulate what he advocates.
I still have not recieved a return phone call from the director of the camp I am trying to get a job as a councelor. I hate it when I have no control. Somethings demand for control and power and somethings are just out of my hands. It is becoming a pain in the neck to decifer the diffrence.
An update on the date. I must pick her up from the airport and entertain her for a two dates back to back, and then take her back to the airport the next day. How's that for a fun time. Besides the fact I don't even have any attachment to her yet. I don't understand why G-d couldn't create one person that I would know for certain this is my destined one. Sort of like a homing device that would go off at age 20 something and viola, instant marriage material. The homing device that I have, goes off at so many different girls that it is giving me a headache. Notwithstanding the discomfort I am causing those poor females by gawking at them. It would of been better off for us all. But who am I to question G-d, I'm sure he knows what he is doing, he's been creating the world for a few thousand years. As was put by a fellow blogger, "It is yuckifying".

Hakaros Hatov To Hashem

I hope you've all had a meaningful Shavuos, I know I have. I have been studying Hebrew Dikkduk (grammar). I have not been taught it throughout my years in Yeshiva. It has always been one of the things I wanted to get to learn but never got around to it. Recently, because of my tutoring job, I am making it my duty to learn it in order to teach kriah (reading) properly. It is embarrassing not to be able to explain why the letters are the way they are and to make some sense of the spelling and sentence logic. I have been giving more thought into what being a Jew and Yeshiva Bachur means to me and what worldly pursuits I wish to accomplish. The question of what is my goal in life and what do I wish to accomplish weighs heavily on my conscience daily. Human nature dictates a growth process to aquire knowledge and respect. I am still in the process of defining respect. As in, who do I respect, how I want someone to respect me, and how to respect others who are not like me or have my view points. Where do I see myself in five, ten years and what can i do with my talents to benifit mankind. I am growing weary of thinking about imaginative pleasures and imaginative pursuits of greatness and honor. Some say nothing worthwhile in life is easy. I am inclined to agree. A feeling that has been unsettling my mind for quite a while is when will the good times start. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize they never will. Things will never get easier. Dating, marriage, earning a living, are all hard work. I am very fortunate to have been brought up with morals and values that help me deal with these feelings, but they never will go away completely. The thought that they will constantly be there is a daunting one. Speaking out the feelings help, but can cause repercutions on how others view who I am. I am thankful that g-d made me who I am. Though I wish to complain and yell and cry and make a scene about the unfairness of my lot, I must muzzle my dissatisfaction and view it in a positive light becuae the reality of it is that there is a reasoned goodness behind all the badly appearenced. G-d has someone out there for me who will make me happy. He has enough material wealth to make me satisfied. He has blessed me with knowledge beyond what I am entitled to know. He has given me family and friends (which includes you bloggers ;-) ) beyond what I deserve.

Shavuos

There is an interesting Midrash that describes the giving of the Torah on Mount Sinai. The Midrash makes a remarkable statement: "God held Mount Sinai above the heads of the Jewish people and declared: 'Either you will accept my Torah, or this mountain will be your gravesite'."

For a religion so built upon the notion of free will, this appears at first glance as incomprehensible. And if this in fact did happen (or even if it isn't literal, but accurately reflects the psychological reality of the event), why is such a big deal made out of our acceptance of the Torah? It would seem that we were compelled and had no other alternative!

An old story sheds some light on this perplexing episode. An American Frigate was doing a maneuver off of the coast of Nova Scotia. On its radar screen it detected another vessel directly in its path and sent a radio message to the ship. "This is the S.S. Goliath and we request that you veer your vessel 5 degrees to the south."

The reply was as follows: "This is the Canadian Coastguard and we suggest that you veer 5 degrees to the north."

The Americans answered back: "You probably didn't understand that you are dealing with the American Warship the S.S Goliath and we demand that you veer 5 degrees to the South."

The Canadians replied, "You probably didn't understand our last message because this is a Canadian lighthouse (you fools!) and we respectfully suggest that you veer 5 degrees to the north."

The moral of the story: Some things in life are fixed and unchanging, and other things are not. And it can save you a lot time, energy and embarrassment to know the difference between the two.

At Mount Sinai the Jewish People were introduced to their Creator and understood in the clearest way that their lives were to be henceforth vested with meaning and purpose as laid out in the Torah. From this day forward there would be a set of spiritual laws of nature as immutable as the physical laws of nature. In the same way that we can't really choose to live outside of the law of nature, so too we can't really live outside the world's spiritual laws. If we choose not to eat, for example, we would die.

So too, if we ignore the spiritual realities of life, we die spiritually. We may look alive, but our lives reflect a hollow inner reality that will not live on, beyond our body's sojourn in this world. In other words, without clinging to the spiritual truths of life we can become walking dead men, and the light of our souls slowly loses its powerful animating force.

We can choose to ignore the laws of nature at our own peril, but our choice will never determine whether they apply to us or not. As an illustration, if a person steps off the Empire State building he won't hit the ground any later if he doesn't believe in the law of gravity. Belief doesn't determine or undermine reality. It only sheds light on your level of understanding of the world, or your sanity, or both. The guy who steps off of the roof of a building is either missing crucial information, is insane, or a combination of the two.

So too with the laws of the Torah; once God made these laws part of reality, a person could ignore them, but his ignorance could never negate their existence. It was as if God held a mountain over their heads and said: "The reality of Torah is so clear, that your own minds and hearts are compelled to follow them.

For the Jews at Sinai, the choice was not "to believe or not to believe." The reality of God was too clear and obvious for that. Their test was whether to accept living with reality, even if it meant dashing some or all of their illusions on the jagged rocks of truth. Their acceptance of Torah was a great act because it was an acceptance of reality.

Indeed, from the dawn of time mankind has struggled with accepting an externally-imposed reality. It is much more appealing and comfortable to define our own rules and create religions which bow to us, rather than we bowing to them. And all of us today are still plagued by this deep tendency to hide from reality and escape hard decisions and choices -- whether they be in our relationships, with respect to our own self image or public persona, or concerning the direction or our careers and our lives.

On Shavuot, we look life squarely in the face and declare that we want to live in accordance with reality.

I was always a person who tried to avoid confrontation in personal relationships, dreaming that by avoiding the issues they might somehow soften or go away. Over many years (and through much personal angst) I discovered that not only don't they disappear, but they become much worse.

A world without God (or one built upon man-made idols) is a cold, capricious place where blind fate rules, and justice and peace have no real permanence. Only in a world where God exists and creates a purposeful reality, which we can work within and trust, does man ultimately have true security.

The holiday of Shavuot marks our re-acceptance of the Torah, as our ancestors did on Mount Sinai. Accepting and believing in the Torah does not make it true. Denial does not make it false. And ignoring it does not make it go away.

On Shavuot, we look life squarely in the face and declare that we want to live in accordance with reality. We want to escape the illusions and the sideshows that seem to disproportionately dominate our lives. We want to latch on to sanity and create lives of real meaning.

The Jewish people always understood that our Torah created this type of real meaning and purpose in the world. The challenge of Shavuot, therefore, is: 1) to want to live in accordance with reality, and 2) to confirm or discover whether the Torah indeed lays out the blueprint for the laws of metaphysical reality.

"Borrowed" from Aish

Rabbi Barnett

Openmindedness

In shiur today I was listening to my Rabbi explain the Tosfos and I just wasn't getting it. The logic kept hitting a stumbling block in my head. I lowered my horns and charged at his words spitting out words of fire. Again and again he kept throwing words in my face. My mind was on road rage mode. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!! He is wrong and I am right. WHat he is saying makes no sense whatsoever. This can't be pshat. I know what I am reading. I know how to translate words. I know the halachah. I know right from wrong. In the midst of all this, my Rebbi did not get angry he held his ground. he did not give in to my claims. He paried expertly to my feeble thrust at over powering his undertsanding of the Talmud. Unrelentingly he "hunted" me down, while I was getting weaker and weaker until I just gave in. The kerel of truth shown bright. My stubborness to hold my ground and my opinion was overclouding my judgement to make a correct and logical decision. My pride would not allow me to admit he was right and I was wrong. I did not want to listen to reason. I was being "argumentative" (as he says in his words). I emotionally could not accept what he was saying. I am realizing that I do not enjoy being open mided to new ideas because I am too lazy to think and accept and to change my thought patterns. Lesson well learnt.

Chanifa?

Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Or so they say. I have just recieved an update on the shidduch that was red to me and that she has agreed to fly in. I am elated (yes, I like that word). The hurdle I must overcome now is to act like a man and not scare her away. Believe it or not (and no, I won't make it on Ripley's) I have many issues that needs dealings. Meaning, that needs to be dealt with. And that's putting it mildly. Now, however, ergo that fact, the most important thing is to deal with the phone call. To put the question bluntly, how do I sound like a man over the phone, so that she will not cringe when she hears me speak? I have been informed that the phone call is a means of introduction to be furthered upon face to face contact. This is novel to me. I am apprehensive to the fact that I might be made into a fool. Foolishly, I might add. I need to know from the experts on females and a quick 101 class what makes a man a man so that females will fall heads over heels over me (and don't suggest perfume or any other remedys that involve time or money). I'm talking about comunication, here. What is flattering that will work any time and is fairly innocuous (AKA tzniusdik) to say to a innocent young girl who supposidly has not exchanged words with a member of the male species. (and probably thinks all men are romantic as the Stars of their favorite movie). Helpful tips to make this poor YB excel at this difficult task will be rewarded in the world to come.

If I could......

I always wanted to be a comedian when I grow up. Not that I will ever grow up because growing up is not a good thing to do in my sitch. *wink* Why is it that life sometimes must be a drag? Don't you ever wish that you could snap your fingers and a genie will appear and grant you three wishes? I'll tell you what I would do with my three wishes. 1) Wish for a Gazillion dollars.
Nope, change my mind. That would just be a waste of a wish becuase whatever I would buy with the money I could just wish for. Ummmm, Yes! I know!, I would abolish slavery. Nope....Moses has done that already. Seriously though, If I had no money problems I would support all the kollelim in the world and build the biggest library of all the past, present and future sefarim and allow whoever wants borrow them. I would build a big, big house and allow anyone who wants to sleep there, sleep there , while I slept in a different house. I would donate clothes and food to whoever wanted without questions. I would pay for every shiur to be video taped and put on national television for 24 hour shiurim broadcasted live. I would turn the world into a virtual, hypothetical beis medrash. Yes, this is what I would do. Then I would buy myself a personal plane so I could go visit E"Y whenever I want. I would hire all the Roshei Yeshivos/Rebbes/ Mekubalim to be my personal chavrusas. I would pay Artschroll to transalate every sefer into every language possible. I would build a Chabad on Mars. I would rebuild the beis hamikdash (g-d permitting). If I could do anything I would transfer all the worlds wonders to E"Y. Wouldn't you just love seeing the Grand Canyon in E"Y? My imagination is something that is useful. Sometimes I am afraid where it takes me. If I label my imagination to take me to places that are against the Torah such as Zenus, Apikorsus, Murder, Idolatry, where will my body and actions end up? I fear for my own safety. My guiding light is Torah (I just had to add that in, for the sake of future shidduchim).

The Killer App

Shavuah Tov! It has been a long shabbos. Shabbos has giving me time to contemplate about my life and my world around me. Let me begin by making a distinction. I want to call it the DARK side of Torah and the LIGHT side of Torah. I have come to the realization that although the Torah wisdom deals with every aspect of human life some of them deal with the bdark side of human nature and some with the good side. Although the question of "what is happiness?" has many answers, depending on who you ask at what time, Torah study will always allow you to think of lifes shortcomings, questions, dilemmas, and problems objectively and will allow you to leave a corrupt perspective and to reach new understandings and hights without compromising your true freedom.
It is also importat to become a lovecat (a borrowed term from the book, "Love is the Killer App") meaning, to grow in knowledge and to know that Knowledge, Compassion, and Connection are important for any growth. 1) aggregation 2)encoding 3)processing 4)application - key words. The more Torah is shared the more it grows exponentially. The more people become aware of the beauty of Torah the more people will respect it.

News Worthy

Baruch Hashem I have just completed shelving the sefarim in my yeshivah. It took me a little under 2 hours. It is annoying that people allow the sefarim to pile up during the week and then expect ME to put it away. Where is your respect for the sefarim?! (or what I really want to say is, where is your respect for ME). I have my own excercise and weight lifting schedule, thank you. This weather I have been getting in Brooklyn is a little off the mark than what I have been used to growing up in LA. Nice day here, rainy day there.... Get your act together summer. I need your sun! I still am debating if I should go to the Brooklyn Public Library on Kings Highway, I have enough books to last me until next week, and as I am reluctant to walk the distance now in this crummy weather.
In other news, my morning Chavrusa became engaged today! (Amain & Thank you in advance for all the I"YH by me.) He proposed in a Bowling Alley. It was very touching. I wish him the best. I don't want to give too many details as this might compromise my identity, which I have no real reason to conceal other than not to embarrass my friend. Wishing to myself and to all my avid readers, Good Shabbos.

My Balance

Maybe, if I write down my ideas about staying in yeshiva or going out to work I will grasp a greater understanding of who I am and what I believe in, maybe.
I, a quiet young lad in my early 20's have been growing up with the tradition that this omnipotent being called G-d led out the Jewish people from Egypt and gave them a guide on how to live their lives while on this world and to give them reward in a different world. One, that can not be detected by humans on a elemetary level. This is what Torah is on a very basic level. I now have the choice to believe this information, which I do. Clearly stated. My belief can in no way be minimized by the decisions I decide to do in regard to my life. My life is mine. I can run it any way I want. This is what is called free will. Currently, I am enjoying studying the Torah where I am located in Flatbush, New York. My bank account is at zero, (I had to put that in due to my accounting backround). Net Worth = $ 2000 (everything else belongs to my parents). Talents- a variety of english, math, writting and speaking skills. Not enough to be hired or make money. Time- 75% = 10 to 12 hours, spend sitting over a gemara or shulchan aruch going over 10 to 15 lines. Net Memory of New Information = learnt 2 new words. Accomplishment= 100% since Torah learning is rewarded by time not quantity but quality. Not bad for a days work. Problem- No advancement in paycheck since not in kollel since no wife. No wife because no kollel paycheck. Simplified = confused EN. My desire to advance in Torah learning has hit a platau. I will not be writting any chiddushi Torah. (except for on this blog). I will not come out with any sefarim or psakim. I am venting now. I enjoy my friends and my current situation up to a point. It is a daily struggle for me to enjoy being who I am. I am in my own eyes a pisher. I need to aspire to greater hights and be happier with my lot in life and realize I am trying the best I could under the circumstances. I need to accept greater responsiblities in my actions and learning. I need to be more meticulous and less negative. Life is full of oportunities, I need to do a hishtadlus to find them. With G-d's help I will. I must take life slow. I must not make quick decisions. I must relax. Life is to be enjoyed, not to get it over with. Happiness must be built on happiness. I am at peace with who I am, and the fact I am striving to be a better person.

Farewell Mis-nagid

I have just found out that my old blogger friend Mis-nagid has disappeared from the blogging world. I really give him credit. I can't say that I miss all his postings because they were pretty anti-Torah, but reading what he wrote showed what an amazing brain he had and a depth of Torah knowledge that was to be envied. He raised questions that required answering. I do wish he would come back as a blog with Devar Torah that we all can learn from.

Lifes Challenges

I have just come back from a school reunion. It is a school that is run by the Agudah. It is called COPE and they teach accounting. Last summer vacation, for three months, while renting a basement apartment, I traveled on the New York Subway System to Manhattan to take classes. It was one of the the most memoriable summers of my life. The skills I learnt there, were more valuable for my life than the entire 4 years of high school. In the Alumni Gathering they had guest speakers who spoke about the importance of proper communication and education. I learnt a valuable lesson that one of the most important things an employer looks for in an employee is dedication and devotion. Important questions to ask are, "What can I do for you?, How can I help you?, What do you need?" Always look to grow and gain experience. Be able to communicate myself and my talents, and stand out among my other peers. Be meticulous and exacting in my chores and job. Be refine and upstanding. My reputation is on the line. Have scruplous morals and always be a sycophant(joking on the last one). There were more, but I am too tired now of think of them. Life skills should be taught at an early age, not when I'm out of a job and depressed. Well, what can I do, this is life.

Torah Legacy

Reality has just been hitting me lately like a ton of bricks. Suffice to say I have been hearing some REALLY bad news about two people very close to me. It is nightmares come true. The emotions that are building up inside of me want to come out but I have no way of expressing them.
On a happier note, I had a really enlightening Hashkafic conversation with my morning chavrusa. About how important it is to want to marry a girl who respects the Torah and its holy ways. It didn't even dawn upon me that there are girls who just don't think like I do. There exists "worlds" of people who occupy this world that despise me and the Jewish people and think that we are weird and illogical. It is a tough blow. I felt the wind being grabbed from my lungs. I am a nice person at heart. I hate it when others hate me for no other reason other than I am a Jew. My sense of Judaism and Jews are off kilter. The phrase "Don't judge Judaisim by Jews" applies to me as well. Human attitudes and psycology and desires don't change throught the ages. There is a set rule book that was given by G-d on Mount Sinai and the Jews accepted it, but there are always some Jews who are willing to throw off that yoke for doing what they want to do with the excuse, "times have changed, we don't need old fasion rules". To accept that for thousands of years my great-great ect . grandparents believed in this concept is a mind blowing experience. In relation to the amount of Jews I know and have read about, many don't seem to follow the strict guidlines of the Talmud to the utmost severity. Is it because they are unknowlegeble or because they don't want to? And if it is because of lack of knowledge how could G-d allow such a thing to happen to newborns who are raised with parents who have such a conviction? Does everyone become aware of this knowledge over time? As the same time I am looking out of what Jewishness I have been raised with, and looking into other modes of intellectual understandings, I see a beauty to this religion- that it has Truth, but the ramifications of the knowledge that I am aquiring seperate me and ailienate me from many other people in what I believe and what I should feel a conviction of what is right and wrong. Perfection of the spirit is a journey. No one is born perfect. I must work on myself to accept this fact. Torah learning lishma is important for the Jewish nation to survive. In my opinion it might be stressed too much at such a young age with out the explaination and just a blind attitude that do this because g-d said so. But as a I mature in understanding and observe the world around me I see the beauty and I hope I continue to learn to uncover the beauty because I am so used to see it I have become numb to the beauty of Judaism. I must thank Hashem for giving us such a present and polish it from the dust of time.