Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Torah Legacy

Reality has just been hitting me lately like a ton of bricks. Suffice to say I have been hearing some REALLY bad news about two people very close to me. It is nightmares come true. The emotions that are building up inside of me want to come out but I have no way of expressing them.
On a happier note, I had a really enlightening Hashkafic conversation with my morning chavrusa. About how important it is to want to marry a girl who respects the Torah and its holy ways. It didn't even dawn upon me that there are girls who just don't think like I do. There exists "worlds" of people who occupy this world that despise me and the Jewish people and think that we are weird and illogical. It is a tough blow. I felt the wind being grabbed from my lungs. I am a nice person at heart. I hate it when others hate me for no other reason other than I am a Jew. My sense of Judaism and Jews are off kilter. The phrase "Don't judge Judaisim by Jews" applies to me as well. Human attitudes and psycology and desires don't change throught the ages. There is a set rule book that was given by G-d on Mount Sinai and the Jews accepted it, but there are always some Jews who are willing to throw off that yoke for doing what they want to do with the excuse, "times have changed, we don't need old fasion rules". To accept that for thousands of years my great-great ect . grandparents believed in this concept is a mind blowing experience. In relation to the amount of Jews I know and have read about, many don't seem to follow the strict guidlines of the Talmud to the utmost severity. Is it because they are unknowlegeble or because they don't want to? And if it is because of lack of knowledge how could G-d allow such a thing to happen to newborns who are raised with parents who have such a conviction? Does everyone become aware of this knowledge over time? As the same time I am looking out of what Jewishness I have been raised with, and looking into other modes of intellectual understandings, I see a beauty to this religion- that it has Truth, but the ramifications of the knowledge that I am aquiring seperate me and ailienate me from many other people in what I believe and what I should feel a conviction of what is right and wrong. Perfection of the spirit is a journey. No one is born perfect. I must work on myself to accept this fact. Torah learning lishma is important for the Jewish nation to survive. In my opinion it might be stressed too much at such a young age with out the explaination and just a blind attitude that do this because g-d said so. But as a I mature in understanding and observe the world around me I see the beauty and I hope I continue to learn to uncover the beauty because I am so used to see it I have become numb to the beauty of Judaism. I must thank Hashem for giving us such a present and polish it from the dust of time.


Blogger Malka said...


I'm sorry that you are going through a rough time right now. Don't keep the emotions bottled up and most of all, don't try to control them too much. When we don't feel things fully, we're not really living. As for the rest of your post, all I can say is wow!


2:40 PM  
Blogger EN said...

Malka- Thank you for your comment and for the useful advice.I'm still afraid to live things fully because it hurts too much. It is comforting to know that you are there.

12:10 AM  
Blogger Miriam said...

How beautifully written EN.

I am relating to what you are saying from the side of exclusively growing up around people who cast this yoke off with the comment that it is outdated, not needed and hum bug. Even the people who called themselves religious and went to shul every now and then would excuse their lack of observence with the outdated not modern comments.

I find it extremely sad. The more I learn about Torah and my people the more I am awed by its beauty and amazing way of surviving. Against all odds I am returning making tikkun for my family. This is completely from God.

I am happy to read that someone brought up in this beautiful tradition can also see just how amazing it is. Sometimes I get the feeling that it is only the Baal Tschuva that gets carried away with it because they've had it with the secular world.

3:37 AM  
Blogger EN said...

Miriam- I sort of have a BT perspective as well, as my parents became Bal Teshuva when I was very young, so I sort of "grew" into the the yeshivish mode and taught my parents more, and I feel a responsiblity to make sure what I learn is True.

5:53 PM  

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