Monday, May 30, 2005

Meaningful Lives

Baruch Hashem for this beautiful day. From the moment I opened my eyes this morning I felt today would be special. I have been talking to my kollel chavrusa and we have been working on getting me out of my self-induced shell. I felt myself slowly being pulled out of my shyness. Sometimes I want to put the blame on others in my past who have hurt me, but the saying of my mother rings in my ears, "no shame, no blame". We have no right to accuse others in our past for what we are now, we must strive to do better and to accept the challenges Hashem gives us with Ahava. It is work to be a happy person. It is so much easier to be depressed. To view everything as bad and not interesting is natural. To view everything in a positive light is so much harder. Why bad things happen is a question, but the answers or lack thereof shouldn't affect our whole perspective of life. I am working on interacting with people. Listening to what they have to say and learning from them, instead of just nodding my head and ignoring their points. What bothers me sometimes is when someone makes a joke and it is negative information and then it gets me all mixed up. I have nothing to retort back and my mind is induced into a depressive state. Originality is something I want. It takes work. I am working on being an original person and thinking out of the box. (I hope my head doesn't fall out!) My Torah (I can't believe I just thought of typing that!) is so small. I can barely tell you 100 mitzvos out of the 613. There is so much knowlege that I am lacking. I am jealous of those who know more. On the positive side, I AM in yeshivah and learning daily, more than many other people who don't have the zuchus I have to be in yeshivah. I have mnay advantages that others don't and I now am appreciative of this (thanks to the comments of some bloggers ;) ). I still am working on a way to develop my talents in making a parnassa in yeshiva so that I can save money to buy basic needs and to become financially independent. I do feel guilty in taking money from my parents who are financially strapped. Finding the balance is hard work. I am taking the plunge that what I am doing is True. To believe that there is Hashem and that everything is calculated carries a great burden. With the help of others, I am learning to take the challange to becoming a better person. I am part of the mesorah. Do I choose to discard it or run with it is a challange I am faced with. Material wealth is a great pull to have me discard what I am taught. I want a fancy car, I want a nice house, I want a beautiful wife. But the urge and social factors repress me from acting on my wants. But as I look back in my years I see a certain beauty to this type of living. Maybe not all of it, but some of it. There is meaning and reason to the Torah. I am upset that I can't get what I want when I want. I am part of a long chain and there are others who have the same feelings I do. We all strive to do what is right. May we all find meaning in our lives. (and, of course, the besheret and fancy car ;) ).


Blogger Malka said...

Good for you for wanting to come out of your shell! Not an easy thing to do but you will feel so much better once you start letting people in. I wouldn't worry too much about working on being original - just be yourself and the originality will come - that's the beauty of being unique! Stop worrying about the size of your Torah and your lack of knowledge - you are in Yeshiva to learn.. You wouldn't be there if you knew everything right? You shouldn't be jealous of others who know more than you - you should aspire to be like them.. I can totally relate when you say that "To believe that there is Hashem and that everything is calculated carries a great burden. With the help of others, I am learning to take the challenge to becoming a better person." that is part of the reason why I am converting.. Love your wish for meaningful lives, basheret and fancy cars ;-) Malka

9:10 PM  
Blogger EN said...

Malka-Thank you for your Chizuk. My shell has so many layers that it looks like an onion! (there! I said something original, yippee!). I aspire to be like you! BTW, the jokes you post are so a funny way.

11:59 PM  

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