Saturday, May 28, 2005

Shalom al Yisrael

Words on paper. What do they represent? Am I communicating what I think I am when I type out these words, or is every person understanding it differently? I am having serious doubts as to the usefulness of me blogging. I started blogging because it was interesting to read what goes on in other peoples minds, who knows what I would learn. I don't deny that I have learned a lot, but I am in doubt if it was worth all the negative information I have subconciously recieved. Reading what others wrote has a downside because of the possiblility of falseness and detrimental information that is not true and might cause me to think negatively. Does the gains outway the loses? I feel when I read other blogs and I comment on them that if they are me. I fantasize about being in another person situation or body. My wants are reflected in what others are living. I want too much or not enough. It is enought to drive a person insane. I believe any information I can get from reading blogs I can get from the Torah. My goal in life is to do the will of g-d which includes to be a happy person. And happiness can only come from within. Friends have told me I am starting of into space, and he suspects it is because of what I read in the blogs. I need a reality check. Reality and fantacy are merging into one. I want to live and not be a fake. If I be hurt, so be it. I must take the plunge. I believe this is what g-d wants of me. Although it is good to learn from everone, blogs are just words that conveys ideas and concepts that I can get from the true sourse, and the pleasure I get from reading into other peoples minds will have to come froma different hobby. it was fun being in blogland. But now it is time to get serious. I don't think that I could write anything of use to help someone that is outhtere. And if I ever decide to want to write something that could help someone I would write it in a book and publish it. I wonder if hashgacho protis also applies to finding the right blog to read at the right time. Honestly, I have no idea. Is there hashgocho in reading and the responses in the comments? If there is, I believe hashem will send the lessons I need to get from someone else. If I am doing it leshem shamaiyim. I want to give others helpful information. There are many ways. If I am mesupak if blogging is detrimental then hashem doesn't want me to go there. Do I know certainly? no, but I am going to give a try. I have nothing to lose except the pleasure of looking into someone elses mind/ideas. I have tried to quit before and it lasted a short while I hope I can keep it this time for longer. It is nice "meeting" other personalities in cyberspace, but do I learn so much that it should keep me ocuppied for hours at a time or could that time be spent on other useful things? My priorites are Torah and family. I pray to hashem I find them.


Blogger Moiy-rah said...

first of all, you really dont have to read other people;s garbage. thats why i left if you are loosing more then gaining, its really not a good sitch.

next, it seems that you are gaining a lot from blogging, but if you fee hjat it is just an escpism, and bittul torah, then you should definitely stop.

your a sinsere jew- keep up the good work, and learn good.

12:39 AM  
Blogger survivor said...

en...noooo. that's my first reaction.
but i won't be selfish and tell you to stay since you gotta do what's best for you.
you'll be missed.

p.s. in my last blog i tagged you... should i untag you?

2:21 AM  
Blogger EN said...

Moiy-rah- sometimes I feel I want to escape because in my yeshiva there is not much I can do except read from sefarim,and most of it is not practical so it is hard to tie it into reality. Blogs seem to be real in the sense that there are real people with issues and delemas with the torah that I do not have. But since I am still searching myself it is hard to know if they are just corrupting me or is that what hashem wants and we must all search for the truth in our situations. Would my knowledge that I have aquired in yeshiva help them come closer to g-d or not, is a question I seem to grapple with constantly. It is hard enought to know what g-d wants from me than to know what he wants from other people. How to use what I learn from the sefarim into the reality and physical world is a tough job. It doesn't always seem to work smoothly. Writing down my thoughts seem to help somewhat but I am afraid I am just going around in circles.Thank you for your support and advice.

Survivor- Thanks for the tag. It is something I should definitally think about during my day.

2:37 PM  
Blogger Moiy-rah said...

first of all, even if you dont realize how much you are gaining from learning, and what it is, i could almost promise you taht somewhere in life it will come to use for you. As it says in pirkei avos "ain lecha davar she'ain lo makom" Torah is emes, and it is your guide for life- it tells you how to live your life. no matter how irrelivent it may seem to you whether an ox fell into a ditch or not.. I used to wonder in school why i had to learn things, and i can say that BH a lot of things have been usefull in strenthening my yidishkeit. It plants a little seed in your head- which you can refer to later.

the bigger question is whether you are stimulated by learning this alone. If you are not, and its ok not to be. the harder you work on torah, the more you'll come to appreciate its truth. just the fact that there is one book that can be learnt by someone 3 years old and someone 103 is amazing. If you are not stimulated by yeshiva and learning, maybe do something else on teh side.

but maybe b4 you do that, or listen to anything i say, speak to a rabbi who knows you well. This is all my opinion, and how i see it. Doesnt mean its right.


9:46 PM  
Blogger EN said...

Thanks moiy-rah for the chizuk!

2:50 PM  

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