Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Earthly Bound

I got angry today, which is totally NOT me. I really let it go this time. The lesson I learnt, at least, was that there is hashgocho protis, even though we can't see that now.
I tutored a boy that I tutor during the week. It was suppose to be two boys but I only tutored one because the other one didn't pay me for the last two times I tutored him. I don't even know if he knows he is suppose to pay me. I hate it when the finances are not discussed beforehand and the contract signed in triplets. I know, I should be nice and do it because it is a mitzvah, but I am tired of being taken advantage of. I want my money up front and paid in full when I complete my service. I don't even charge an exorbant amount. Is the $6 for 1/2 hour I charge too much to pay that day?! I have things I want to buy, like a coffee and a bagel in the morning and that is the only money I get. Who should I blame, myself? Hashem? The boy? His parents? Noone is at fault here, everyone else thinks something else. I didn't even speak to the boy's parents, just the principal said we'll work it out. I feel like I did something naughty by not staying. But I'm standing my ground. My time is valuable. You want it, you pay for it.
Also in regards to my summer job, I have to call up this lawyer that my Rabbi hooked me up with to get a summer job. I have no idea of the details. I want to learn something so I feel as if he is doing me a favor by letting me work there. Would it be chutzpah for me to ask him if he is going to pay me? I need him more than he needs me. He is giving me experience. I am not even sure what the job entails. I want to see if I can learn to be a paralegal and if I like the environment. Besides, I have nothing else to do in the summer. I am too old for camp and I want to learn something to make a career and not just a quick-fix to make a couple of bucks. I can't go to college because it costs too much since I am out of town and it will take to long to learn something and to be in yeshiva. This job is my only and final chance to learn something and stay in this yeshiva. Otherwise, I am going home at the end of succos zeman and going to full time college. I don't even know what I can learn by being in a law firm for a few months. Am I wasting my time? Should I quit now and go home, and save the tuition my parents are paying the yeshivah? I have racked my brains for a solution but none has been forthcoming. I suppose I will call him up and throw myself at his feet begging for something, anything he can do for me, even if I wont make a dime. I am afraid if I speak up he will call my bluff and say sorry we don't need you. You are unexperienced and can not be an asset for this firm. Would it be arrogant of me to tell him and assume as if I think he will pay me and see the out come? I just don't know. I am scared to even pick up the phone.

Family Guy

There are so many new ideas that are flashing through my mind. There is power when I am able to speak what I want, *hehehe*. I know, that sounds like a witch kackling, but it is bring back childhood memories of reading the "Witches Cauldraun". Ooof, I wish I could get it out of my head! Those child stories have perverted my mind beyond repair :( . Well, on to nicer thoughts. An update on the DAF. Yes, I have been up to date, *I think*. You know what-I am beginning to realize I think to much and not do much. I better watch my verbs. Which reminds me, I was giving my mother some reference numbers of a girl to check out and I was reminding her of somethings to ask about, (because she is clueless in knowing what to ask), and I mentioned, you know, "someone that I can have FUN with". She blew her top. "Your not ready for marriage, marriage is not for fun.....ect. ect." I was stunned and hurt. What did I say wrong?! I was just reminding her to make sure the girl was pleasant to be around and not someone who was mean and angry and depressed (I can take care of that in the marriage ;) ). She calls my sister o the phone and says to her, "explain it to him, he doesn't get it". So I tell her what happend and she says to me FUN is what teenagers have, like go to clubs and hang out. Marriage is SOOO much more serious. I tell her, "your crazy", (I don't know if I used such foul language but that is what is coming up on my brain screen). "FUN is an all inclusive word, it means everything included, of course I am not looking to have a good time. I am looking for a serious marriage minded mate who wants to remain married for life." She then tells me these words I'll never forget. "Nothing is implied". "You want something, you speak it out and noone will understand you until you do." That hurt. I want people to instantly understand what I want when I am thinking it. I HATE talking. Until now. I realize I must think what I want and then use the best words possible to describe the right ideas and concepts. Because in the end, what I speak (or not) is what I think. This is why we are human and this is the Soul that G-d put into us. A Ruach Memallela, a talking spirit as Unkolos Teiches it.
While on the subject of the shidduch, I must confess I have never had to deal with such a delema before. This particular girl is from out of town and she has agreed to fly in for a few dates. While I am flattered that she is willing to shell out money to initially see me, this presents many forseeable and unforseeable problems. This means it is going to be hard for me to say no because I feel bad she is spending money, and it means I will have to fly to her town if it works out, which forces me to spend money and decide how to get around her town and all the hassles it brings....and it might not even work out. I don't know if I should stick to local girls or am I "throwing away my besheret" if I don't respond to this shidduch. (It's not like I have lists and list of girls waiting for me , I'm not the next Rosh Yeshiva or Gadol Hador, or even in Lakewood).

Monday, May 30, 2005

Meaningful Lives

Baruch Hashem for this beautiful day. From the moment I opened my eyes this morning I felt today would be special. I have been talking to my kollel chavrusa and we have been working on getting me out of my self-induced shell. I felt myself slowly being pulled out of my shyness. Sometimes I want to put the blame on others in my past who have hurt me, but the saying of my mother rings in my ears, "no shame, no blame". We have no right to accuse others in our past for what we are now, we must strive to do better and to accept the challenges Hashem gives us with Ahava. It is work to be a happy person. It is so much easier to be depressed. To view everything as bad and not interesting is natural. To view everything in a positive light is so much harder. Why bad things happen is a question, but the answers or lack thereof shouldn't affect our whole perspective of life. I am working on interacting with people. Listening to what they have to say and learning from them, instead of just nodding my head and ignoring their points. What bothers me sometimes is when someone makes a joke and it is negative information and then it gets me all mixed up. I have nothing to retort back and my mind is induced into a depressive state. Originality is something I want. It takes work. I am working on being an original person and thinking out of the box. (I hope my head doesn't fall out!) My Torah (I can't believe I just thought of typing that!) is so small. I can barely tell you 100 mitzvos out of the 613. There is so much knowlege that I am lacking. I am jealous of those who know more. On the positive side, I AM in yeshivah and learning daily, more than many other people who don't have the zuchus I have to be in yeshivah. I have mnay advantages that others don't and I now am appreciative of this (thanks to the comments of some bloggers ;) ). I still am working on a way to develop my talents in making a parnassa in yeshiva so that I can save money to buy basic needs and to become financially independent. I do feel guilty in taking money from my parents who are financially strapped. Finding the balance is hard work. I am taking the plunge that what I am doing is True. To believe that there is Hashem and that everything is calculated carries a great burden. With the help of others, I am learning to take the challange to becoming a better person. I am part of the mesorah. Do I choose to discard it or run with it is a challange I am faced with. Material wealth is a great pull to have me discard what I am taught. I want a fancy car, I want a nice house, I want a beautiful wife. But the urge and social factors repress me from acting on my wants. But as I look back in my years I see a certain beauty to this type of living. Maybe not all of it, but some of it. There is meaning and reason to the Torah. I am upset that I can't get what I want when I want. I am part of a long chain and there are others who have the same feelings I do. We all strive to do what is right. May we all find meaning in our lives. (and, of course, the besheret and fancy car ;) ).

Sunday, May 29, 2005


I have been tagged by Survivor to post RAKs, Random Acts of Kindness. Since I don't do anything random (I'm joking), I guess it will have to be with the intent of doing kindness. Anyways, Mitzvos Tzrichos Kavana ;)

1) Offered to help a friend replace his air conditioner in his house.
2) Made a friend a coffee.
3) Said hello to a friend.
4) Smiled when someone cracked a stupid joke.
5) called my mother even though I knew it wouldn't be pleasant.

I tag:

Saturday, May 28, 2005

Shalom al Yisrael

Words on paper. What do they represent? Am I communicating what I think I am when I type out these words, or is every person understanding it differently? I am having serious doubts as to the usefulness of me blogging. I started blogging because it was interesting to read what goes on in other peoples minds, who knows what I would learn. I don't deny that I have learned a lot, but I am in doubt if it was worth all the negative information I have subconciously recieved. Reading what others wrote has a downside because of the possiblility of falseness and detrimental information that is not true and might cause me to think negatively. Does the gains outway the loses? I feel when I read other blogs and I comment on them that if they are me. I fantasize about being in another person situation or body. My wants are reflected in what others are living. I want too much or not enough. It is enought to drive a person insane. I believe any information I can get from reading blogs I can get from the Torah. My goal in life is to do the will of g-d which includes to be a happy person. And happiness can only come from within. Friends have told me I am starting of into space, and he suspects it is because of what I read in the blogs. I need a reality check. Reality and fantacy are merging into one. I want to live and not be a fake. If I be hurt, so be it. I must take the plunge. I believe this is what g-d wants of me. Although it is good to learn from everone, blogs are just words that conveys ideas and concepts that I can get from the true sourse, and the pleasure I get from reading into other peoples minds will have to come froma different hobby. it was fun being in blogland. But now it is time to get serious. I don't think that I could write anything of use to help someone that is outhtere. And if I ever decide to want to write something that could help someone I would write it in a book and publish it. I wonder if hashgacho protis also applies to finding the right blog to read at the right time. Honestly, I have no idea. Is there hashgocho in reading and the responses in the comments? If there is, I believe hashem will send the lessons I need to get from someone else. If I am doing it leshem shamaiyim. I want to give others helpful information. There are many ways. If I am mesupak if blogging is detrimental then hashem doesn't want me to go there. Do I know certainly? no, but I am going to give a try. I have nothing to lose except the pleasure of looking into someone elses mind/ideas. I have tried to quit before and it lasted a short while I hope I can keep it this time for longer. It is nice "meeting" other personalities in cyberspace, but do I learn so much that it should keep me ocuppied for hours at a time or could that time be spent on other useful things? My priorites are Torah and family. I pray to hashem I find them.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Reflection on the Mesorah

A vort, with a disclaimer. Not everything here is verifiably true hashkafa. I try my best, but some krum hashkafos may crop in my writings because of my nature to read everything my eyes see. Forgive me in advance. If I haven't scared you away yet, and you have ventured to read what I think, (of course, it is understood, with the perogitive to change my hashkafa if the right idea is presented in the comments,that makes me feel happy) I am greatful that you have took it upon yourself to trust little ol' me to spoon feed you something that I believe is THE TRUTH. The road and mechanics of Torah is hard to describe in words. It is like describing an orgasm. Not possible, right? The basis, is the question and answer. Without them there would be no questions and no answer (Am I making sense yet?) . Let me ask you a rehtorical question, (and don't answer no, you haven't heard me out yet!) Why did g-d give us a brain? A loaded question, right? To understand Torah properly, would it be possible to program a computer with all the sefarim ever written and spit out an answer? Wouldn't that be great, to have a computer and no more rabbis arguing what is right and what is wrong? We'll have a convention and gather all segments of the Jewish people and have them submit their views and a computer will randomly generate a response and everyone would agree to abide by the results. Sounds crazy right? My(our) belief is that we respect someone, commonly called by the title Rabbi, who has spent years honing his brain to a point where he sees th Torah in DEPTH as well as length. This is only possible if he shuns the outside world and its views. Even though there are parts of Torah that are forgotten, and there are holes in the chain, but g-d granted us a brain and to use it properly to come to a conclusion. However if one does not have the right training (and sorry girls, you DO NOT have this training or the connections, and I'm not blaming you its not your fault) it is impossible to see right from wrong. This is why IMHO (and my rabbi's) we have emunas chachamim. Because we don't have the experience to judge for our selves true logical interpitations. Even though we might think we are so smart and we can understand everything. The people who have this depth are recognized by the masses (maybe not all, but by those in the know) and are RESPECTED for their dedication and passion to the Torah. Examine history and it will tell you that we only stand here today because of a few individuals who were able to continue the tradition from Sinai. Has some of it been corrupted and forgotten? Unequivocally, yes. But that shouldn't stop us from using our minds to seek out the truth.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Riddle for Life

I am your constant companion.
I am your greatest helper or heaviest burden.
I will push you onward or drag you down to failure.
I am completely at your command.
Half the things you do might justa as well turn over to me and I will do them-
quickly and correctly.
I am easily managed - you must be firm with me.
Show me exactly how you want something done and, after a few lessons, I will do it automatically.
i am the servant of all great people; and, alas, of all failures as well.
Those who are great, I have made great.
Those who are failures, I have made failures.
I am not a machine, though I work with all the
precision of a machine, plus the intelligence of a person.
You may run me for profit or run me for ruin-
it makes no difference to me.
Take me, train me,be firm with me, and I will place the world at your feet.
Be easy with me and I will distroy you.
Who am I?
I am Habit!
-What they don't teach you in Sales 101


Girls, I have learnt, are complex. I wonder if they feel that guys are the same. When I have nothing to think about (I don't know how that is possible) my mind turns to girls. It is like an automatic reflex, just as when the doctor hits the knee with the hammer. It is clouding my judgment. I should be asleep or learning now instead of writing about girls. there is no mitzvah to think about them. I am just wasting my time. Is there what to learn from girls, or can I learn everything from guys? Any answers?

Anger Managment

Why should I get angry? When should I get angry? What is anger? Do I feel it? Should I not think about it? I am afraid to know the answers to these questions. What is your opinion?

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Feelings of Greatfulness

B"h I have learnt a lot today. I feel I am maturing. My mind has more information than it had yesterday. I feel wiser, but stupider, if you know what I mean.(Like that story of R' Saddia Gaon. ) I realise my mistakes from yesterday. Well, I can't be sad, it won't help to cry over spilled milk. I just hope I remember for next time! We can learn so much from everything and everyone. We must share ideas and advances in happiness and truth to other people. This is the ultimate chesed. Giving tzedaka is a good thing, but if you find the person a job it is even better. Money should not rule how a person thinks, (I learned the hard way). The ikkur is to be kind and happy on the journey of life. Spread the flame of torah, it will never get smaller. There is nothing to lose. Torah knowledge just hones the brain to be able to be mekabel kedusha. Which reminds me of something I learned to day that woman may eat something that causes shichicha, forgetfulness, because they are not mechuyav in learning Torah. Also an Am Haretz may eat it. Becuase it will help him forget his narishkeit. The wonders and the greatness of Hashem and his creations make me very happy, and even more so when I learn about them. Al zeh I thank Hashem for making me a Jew. There are hard times and moment of darkness in everyone's life the best thing is to act with respect for others and to never give up because Hashem is watching and calling, "you can do it!" I may whine and complain like a baby but when I see the light I know it is real. Until it grows dim. Only I have my experiences and talents that no one else has. I must use them for the good.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The Long Wait

I would like to vent about my situation in shidduchim. I never really have done it before on paper. Or in this case, blogger. I first state, 1) I am a human male. 2) I am single. 3) I have an almost obsessive compulsion to want to get "hooked up". 4) I rarely see, let alone talk to a female, during the course of my current lifetime (in the 20's and still counting). The pleasant few moments that I have spent in the company of a female was enjoyable emotionally and unexplicabally. I can not describe the feeling of satisfaction, and completeness that I have found in looking and talking to a live, jewish, female of marriagable age. It is like a light was turned on in my life and that all my worries were over. Until it ended. She left, she said, "no". It may be I am not mature enough to understand what marriage is about. I thank g-d that I did not get stuck to someone who in a few years would decide she hates me and leave me with a divorce bill. Maybe I am naieve when I think all girls are nice and have good middos. How is it possible to look beyond a pretty face and to see the deepness and love a girl will have to carry me through this life? Someone who will grow with me spiritually and emotionally. Commitment to each other and to love. Girls are cuddly and soft. Is that all what makes them girls? Or is there something beyond that softness that I can enjoy and grow from? Do we have to have physical contact to feel complete, or something emotional and spiritual as well? I wait while Hashem forms me and my basheret till we can meet in both body and soul. Thank you hashem. I believe she is there. When can I see her with my eyes?

Wonderous Phenomenon

It makes me happy. It makes me sad. It runs my emotion, passions, actions, my thoughts. It is my daily fuel. It is what makes me pumped. It makes me angry. It makes me sing. It makes me confused. It makes me sick.


It does.


Monday, May 23, 2005

Ready, Set, Action!

Excitment!, Passion!, Beauty!, Humor!, HOT!, Sexy! Seduction!
Yes! I have you in my control. If I can make you happy just let me know. The world we live in is confusing to me as it is to you. But as I learnt today we must deal with it. We plant what we have and grow with it to a lofty goal. All the words in the world can not convey happiness. We must have savlanut and strive for it, and it will come. All the world is a stage and we are the actors and the Torah is the script.
(Ooops........, I just forgot my lines!)

Microscopic Lens

B'h today was a calm day. No major breakthrough in life's quandraries. We are all tzelem elokim, created in the image of G-d. It is becoming harder to sift through all the sheker and to come to the emes. I need a guiding light. The flashlight is becoming dimmer as we move away from Har Sinai. I wish the video camera was invented back then. It sure would help to clarify many missunderstandings.

Friday, May 20, 2005

Guilty Good Feelings

I want to be accepted. I want honor, I want to become famous, I want the world to bow at my feet and tell me, "we love you, we will give you everything and anything you desire", yes, everything, especially, you know... Why do I feel this? I know, it's thinking deep and I should just move on to something else, like becoming a doctor or engineer or architect but it wont get rid of my thoughts. Guilt, or self awareness, I think it's called in layman's terms. I am bored. Why am I waiting for something that I can't get? How do I measure accomplishment? When should I feel happy about myself and what I am? When I feel good about myself I feel bad. Does anyone have any suggestion on what can make me feel satisfied? Why is blogging making me feel satisfied? Is it a worthless endevore because it will not last? I am capable of doing much more if I was just given the chance. Should I ask g-d to give me the chance? And why does he not answer with the results I want in this world? Why must my brain be tortured like this? Will it ever rest? Why does goodness overweigh badness and what makes us feel good is better than bad? Feeling good is the ultimate or is being good the ultimate and who is to decide? Love of hashem, I believe will conquer all. Does someone disagree and why?

Creation # 1

Creation. What does it mean to create something in this world? What is time? Are we just a bunch of electronic impulses and then die into oblivion? Is our desires part of a evolution mechanisim to further our degenerating cells? I doubt... I'm confused....I have tradition.....I have debate.....I have oxymoron.....I'm scared....I'm depressed....I ignore......I pray......I wonder.....I question...I answer......I, I, I.

Thursday, May 19, 2005


On the lighter side... My dictionary of vocabulary words to express my thoughts and emotions is very limited. Let me write that again. My emotions and thoughts contain a limited vocabulary. Weird. They came out different. The day has been beautiful. Uh oh, memory spam... I thought earlier about the nature of beauty and what it affects it has. All because I saw a pretty girl at the library. Funny, isn't it. Well, I don't think so. Was there a connection or just an urge to spill that information out? I'll move on. I need to go out for my daily jog. I like looking at the trees and people, and getting in shape. After that, i will go to eat dinner, which is becoming repetative. I am beginning to enjoy blogging. Over and out.

Comfort Zone

Looking back on my day, I have this dual feeling of satisfaction and despondency . I know that seem like a contradiction because if I am happy then why am I sad? My thoughts reflect my feeling that I know I accomplished something, but the uncertainty of not knowing if I did the best I can gnaws in the depths of my mind. Could I have achieved more today? Did I do the best? And the answer filters back, that, no, you (I) could have done better. I discussed with my chavrusa issues that seemed to me as poshut, but I was surprised at the answers that came out of my mouth. It was as if I said something and believed the opposite. Communication is important. Closeness with other humans is a basic necessity. So why do I feel alone? My imagination is imagining things. I can't stand it. I need the security of knowing that there is what I want without the guilt. It exisits in theory but not physically. Somehow knowing it doesn't comfort me.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

The Guilty Conversation

Guilt is dangerous. I state this because I just felt guilt in writing that sentence. The hidden unknown part of the brain is something we all must deal with sooner or later. Where it will draw us is a matter of great contention among philosphers and other "ITs" by the same adjective. I realise that I am begining to like the word "it" because of its vaugness and power in describing "IT". An "IT" moment has occured that caused me to think to write about something else besides "IT". I will now do so (with g-d's help of course). My story of my life. *think*, *think*, *think*, yes! that's it, I have no concentration to get up off my fat lazy *ss and do something useful. Torah learning is useful, but, as was succintly said to me by my last date-mate, "Torah isn't everything". Who is one to argue? If that is what will make me a better person (and laid) that is what I must do. "Well said", pipes up my yetzer tov, "but you just put down Torah study". Ego chimes in and asks, "how am I to decide?" Editor replies, " pray to g-d and help will come." Skeptic kicks back with a retort, " yah right". And so I am left with a hope and a prayer that salvation will come keherev ayin and that I must believe in the Torah and Hashem and not be to guilty, less it will bring me to ruin. With Hautiness thumping in the backround trying to give a voice. Sorry, "H", you just got to speak louder.

Truth be told

A question that has been bothering me. Why can't the truth be made up? What makes something true and something false? Does truth stand up on its own or does it need a little help from me? I always wondered if it is possible to lie to a girl and make them do what I want. Turns out my hypothosis is a probabilty so there is no way of ever knowing. As passionate as I am, I believe I still could be more passionate. This applies to every facet of IT. What is IT , is a topic of great debate and I wish I could have it with a girl. Unfortunitally for me, I am shy and unknowlegeble about that species of humans with which I have nothing in common, or maybe not. The not, being in reference to having spoken to a few of the other species in dates which I have been rejected to being allowed to continue seeing or having contact with the other date-mate. Where does the soul enter the picture and why am I writing this information in a blog is still being thought out in my head, although I had an urge to write because I belived/believe(?) that is will help me understand myself to a point where I will understand if lying will get me a shidduch. Any advice on the subject matter, and help in achiving my goal of becoming a better person (and getting laid) are definitally welcome.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Who is Wealthy?

An artical we can apply to poverty of the mind....Share the wealth.

The United Nations must also ensure that indigenous peoples "are both a partner and a beneficiary" of the U.N. goals, Malloch Brown said.

U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights Louise Arbour called poverty a denial of human rights.

"Poverty is inherited and passed on to future generations" and may be "the greatest human rights challenge we face," she said.

Stressing that indigenous peoples are one of the groups most severely affected by poverty, Arbour said programs to reduce poverty must be inclusive and "should not be undertaken at the expense of indigenous peoples."

Monday, May 16, 2005

The hard life

Firstly, since, I haven't been posting for a while, it is good to see that blogger has placed a recover post button. It was sorely needed. Too bad they don't have a recover blog button, *wink* . I don't like to sound depressing but I don't have much of a drive to write or much to share with the blogsphere. My curiosities are dwindling (b'h), and I am getting more enjoyment from my learning. I still have these crazy urges to do weird things and desires that could be classified as wrong according to my current understanding of Torah (not to imply that they will become muttar in my future understanding, but that I still evaluate myself to be confused at this moment about my skills in learning and application of my kochos in learning so that I have doubts as to what my purpose as someone who is learning in yeshiva is capable, meant, and permitted to pasken halachos for myself and others).
Guilt and desire plays a large role in my life now. I have a desire to become a talmid chacham and someone knowlegable in Torah. I desire to raise a torah family in the ways of our jewish forefathers. I have sinned in the past and desire to correct my mistakes. Does everyone have this feeling or is it just me? Are there people who do not desire to become a better person and strive for the truth at all times? Or am I just being unrealistic and haughty? I believe everyone has an inborn natural urge to become a better person, is there someone who disagrees with me? And if they do, what is the reason for their opposing view point. Is it wrong to fantasize about doing a sin and wishing you were able to do kol davar assur? Will it affect the future of a person in shidduchim and how they think and act for the rest of their life? Will certain choices and actions determine where a person will be in the future? And lastly will it leave him at a dissadvantage?

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

pesach vacation

It's been a looong time.....