Monday, May 16, 2005

The hard life

Firstly, since, I haven't been posting for a while, it is good to see that blogger has placed a recover post button. It was sorely needed. Too bad they don't have a recover blog button, *wink* . I don't like to sound depressing but I don't have much of a drive to write or much to share with the blogsphere. My curiosities are dwindling (b'h), and I am getting more enjoyment from my learning. I still have these crazy urges to do weird things and desires that could be classified as wrong according to my current understanding of Torah (not to imply that they will become muttar in my future understanding, but that I still evaluate myself to be confused at this moment about my skills in learning and application of my kochos in learning so that I have doubts as to what my purpose as someone who is learning in yeshiva is capable, meant, and permitted to pasken halachos for myself and others).
Guilt and desire plays a large role in my life now. I have a desire to become a talmid chacham and someone knowlegable in Torah. I desire to raise a torah family in the ways of our jewish forefathers. I have sinned in the past and desire to correct my mistakes. Does everyone have this feeling or is it just me? Are there people who do not desire to become a better person and strive for the truth at all times? Or am I just being unrealistic and haughty? I believe everyone has an inborn natural urge to become a better person, is there someone who disagrees with me? And if they do, what is the reason for their opposing view point. Is it wrong to fantasize about doing a sin and wishing you were able to do kol davar assur? Will it affect the future of a person in shidduchim and how they think and act for the rest of their life? Will certain choices and actions determine where a person will be in the future? And lastly will it leave him at a dissadvantage?


Blogger Karl said...

Good to see you back.

"Does everyone have this feeling or is it just me?"
No - its just you! (and maybe a few others.)
Most people will deny they made a mistake to start with, so will say there is nothing to correct. You may be in in the minority, but that shoulden't stop you striving. Plus, most people are unrealistic and haughty. Do not think you will, or even can live like previous generations - they were living in a different world with different tests. It was a different reality. You must do the best you can with the strengths you have, in which ever situation you are in.

"wishing you were able to do kol davar assur?"
Isn't dvar assur exactly that - Assur.
Walking on the sun - is something you will never do as it is an impossiblity. Fantasizing about it will not change the impossibility of it happening.
Having a Big Mac may not be something you'd do (I am assuming) but is certainly a technical possibility. It may be out of your bechira level at the moment, but that could always change depending on the circmstances, and fantasising about it will only bring it to a closer reality.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Moiy-rah said...

even though people may deny it, i think deepdown, everyone wants to improve and become better.

Also, you cant just ignore what you did. You can start by asking hashem for forgiveness. But absense of the chet does not mean your not vulnerable. To make sure you dont go back on the path- you have to fight a hard battle, but when you win, you will have conquored it, and mitzvah goreres mitzvah.

but, dont be too sure of yourself- as it says "al taamin b'atzmicha ad yom moscha"

when i say you, i am talking in a general sense.

-have a good one.

8:37 PM  
Blogger EN said...

Thank you for your comments.

11:24 PM  

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