Thursday, May 19, 2005

Comfort Zone

Looking back on my day, I have this dual feeling of satisfaction and despondency . I know that seem like a contradiction because if I am happy then why am I sad? My thoughts reflect my feeling that I know I accomplished something, but the uncertainty of not knowing if I did the best I can gnaws in the depths of my mind. Could I have achieved more today? Did I do the best? And the answer filters back, that, no, you (I) could have done better. I discussed with my chavrusa issues that seemed to me as poshut, but I was surprised at the answers that came out of my mouth. It was as if I said something and believed the opposite. Communication is important. Closeness with other humans is a basic necessity. So why do I feel alone? My imagination is imagining things. I can't stand it. I need the security of knowing that there is what I want without the guilt. It exisits in theory but not physically. Somehow knowing it doesn't comfort me.


Blogger Moiy-rah said...

life has to be a constant struggle. You have to get up everyday, ready to live it as your last. If your bored, thats a bad thing. That means you dont feel fulfilled with what you are currently doing. i dont care if torah doesnt make you feel fulfilled. dont hide behind the torah, and use bitachon as your excuse.

If learning doesnt stimulate you enuf, then either you have to

-learn something else
-find a new chavrusa
-learn & work ( i know, its a novel idea). Maybe the working will get you motivated to learn better. I dont know the sitch, i'm just making it up.

And ask a rebbi what you should do. why arent you happy? you have to get the the root of it, cuz your just going around in circles, and putting bandaids on the wounds.

you might be going on and moving on, but your shlepping a lot of dirt(unhappiness) with you. no "it" will make you happy. happiness has to come from within. No life altering situations will make you happy. Maybe temporary relief, but not true happiness. Its hard to find, but search and dig, dont give up, and when you find it- let me know.

thinking too much is not constructive- its counterproductive. People get in to trouble when they think too much. Just do, then think. follow your insticts. "naaseh, vinishma"

9:49 PM  

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