Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Hakaros Hatov To Hashem

I hope you've all had a meaningful Shavuos, I know I have. I have been studying Hebrew Dikkduk (grammar). I have not been taught it throughout my years in Yeshiva. It has always been one of the things I wanted to get to learn but never got around to it. Recently, because of my tutoring job, I am making it my duty to learn it in order to teach kriah (reading) properly. It is embarrassing not to be able to explain why the letters are the way they are and to make some sense of the spelling and sentence logic. I have been giving more thought into what being a Jew and Yeshiva Bachur means to me and what worldly pursuits I wish to accomplish. The question of what is my goal in life and what do I wish to accomplish weighs heavily on my conscience daily. Human nature dictates a growth process to aquire knowledge and respect. I am still in the process of defining respect. As in, who do I respect, how I want someone to respect me, and how to respect others who are not like me or have my view points. Where do I see myself in five, ten years and what can i do with my talents to benifit mankind. I am growing weary of thinking about imaginative pleasures and imaginative pursuits of greatness and honor. Some say nothing worthwhile in life is easy. I am inclined to agree. A feeling that has been unsettling my mind for quite a while is when will the good times start. However, the more I think about it, the more I realize they never will. Things will never get easier. Dating, marriage, earning a living, are all hard work. I am very fortunate to have been brought up with morals and values that help me deal with these feelings, but they never will go away completely. The thought that they will constantly be there is a daunting one. Speaking out the feelings help, but can cause repercutions on how others view who I am. I am thankful that g-d made me who I am. Though I wish to complain and yell and cry and make a scene about the unfairness of my lot, I must muzzle my dissatisfaction and view it in a positive light becuae the reality of it is that there is a reasoned goodness behind all the badly appearenced. G-d has someone out there for me who will make me happy. He has enough material wealth to make me satisfied. He has blessed me with knowledge beyond what I am entitled to know. He has given me family and friends (which includes you bloggers ;-) ) beyond what I deserve.


Blogger Malka said...

Dearest grasshopper,

it's a hard realization to stomach that becoming a grown-up isn't all fun and games. Stay on the derech and you'll get there! All these questions polluting your mind are important ones and I have no doubt the right answers will come and the best choices will be apparent. Things sure don't get easier but, B'H you will find someone who will understand and accept you as you are and with whom you can work on the hard stuff and make it better. I'm rooting for you!


2:27 AM  
Blogger Shopaholic said...

I'm jealous-You have an amazing way of writing and expressing your feelings.
I too question myself on my pursuits,what kind of a guy I want my growth and goals. But I always fall short of actually writing my thoughts and feelings down. Your post really put things into perspective for me. I have not doubt that you will find you bashert (b'korov) who will accept you for who are are.
Thank You

4:25 PM  

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