My Balance

Maybe, if I write down my ideas about staying in yeshiva or going out to work I will grasp a greater understanding of who I am and what I believe in, maybe.
I, a quiet young lad in my early 20's have been growing up with the tradition that this omnipotent being called G-d led out the Jewish people from Egypt and gave them a guide on how to live their lives while on this world and to give them reward in a different world. One, that can not be detected by humans on a elemetary level. This is what Torah is on a very basic level. I now have the choice to believe this information, which I do. Clearly stated. My belief can in no way be minimized by the decisions I decide to do in regard to my life. My life is mine. I can run it any way I want. This is what is called free will. Currently, I am enjoying studying the Torah where I am located in Flatbush, New York. My bank account is at zero, (I had to put that in due to my accounting backround). Net Worth = $ 2000 (everything else belongs to my parents). Talents- a variety of english, math, writting and speaking skills. Not enough to be hired or make money. Time- 75% = 10 to 12 hours, spend sitting over a gemara or shulchan aruch going over 10 to 15 lines. Net Memory of New Information = learnt 2 new words. Accomplishment= 100% since Torah learning is rewarded by time not quantity but quality. Not bad for a days work. Problem- No advancement in paycheck since not in kollel since no wife. No wife because no kollel paycheck. Simplified = confused EN. My desire to advance in Torah learning has hit a platau. I will not be writting any chiddushi Torah. (except for on this blog). I will not come out with any sefarim or psakim. I am venting now. I enjoy my friends and my current situation up to a point. It is a daily struggle for me to enjoy being who I am. I am in my own eyes a pisher. I need to aspire to greater hights and be happier with my lot in life and realize I am trying the best I could under the circumstances. I need to accept greater responsiblities in my actions and learning. I need to be more meticulous and less negative. Life is full of oportunities, I need to do a hishtadlus to find them. With G-d's help I will. I must take life slow. I must not make quick decisions. I must relax. Life is to be enjoyed, not to get it over with. Happiness must be built on happiness. I am at peace with who I am, and the fact I am striving to be a better person.