Looks. Are they for real?
Wow, I am bowled over by the responses to my "intelligentic" posts. You really like me for who I am *sniff* I am really flattered. Truthfully, as you may have guessed, I do not have such an extensive vocabulary. I though I would make my postings interesting so you would learn some new words. I can't believe you really are interested in listening to my boring yeshiva moments and yeshivisheh language. I have a lot to learn.
O.k., to cut the bunk and get to the meat and potatoes, the time to write about my long awaited date has arrived.
Dum, da -dum, dum, dummm........
Let me preface this post by saying first impressions are never truthful. NEVER.
Let me recap the last four weeks. Four weeks ago, or thereabouts, a long time friend of mine, from the "alter heim" gave me a call saying he has this great girl who is willing to fly in to meet me.
Great, so I cut off all contact with shadchanim for four weeks. I can tell you I never felt better. I felt like a new man. I did not need to think about where my next date will come from for four whole weeks. I shtieged and felt good about myself.
The aniticipated day was getting close. From Friday I was agonizing how was I going to get a car to take her around and where I was going to take her. The day of arrival came. NO CAR. No one was able to lend me one. Everyone had some previous engagment. One person was nice and gave me money to rent a car. May he be blessed. Motzai Shabbos I went to bed worring where am I going to rent a car. I called Enterprise, closed for weekends, National, sold out, Yitz's on McDonald Ave., closed. Desperate, I took a car service to Laguardia to rent a car before her flight came. I walked into Avis. The lines were out the door. After waiting 20 min. I reached the front. "Sorry Sir, we are sold out." I felt like I was ready to commit suicide. Now what was I suppose to do?! I took the shuttle to the terminal and waited until she disembarked from the plane. I studied my options. Subway? Bus? Taxi? Shuttle? I asked the information desk when is the next shuttle. "Two hours, Sir." OMG. Quickly, I decided on the subway. I decided a route. Ring. What's that? I thought wildly. Oh, it's her calling to say she arrived.
Lost rest of post.
Bekitzur, I am not attracted to her looks, but I think she has a great personality. I really can't imagine living with someone who I am not attracted to. I feel so nebechy. I don't want to tell her no but I see no other option. Am I being too picky?
posted by EN at 7:34 PM
3 Comments:
Looks are important, but not as much as other things like good midos and having things in common.
btw, glad you're back :)
you'll never be happy if you're not attracted to the woman. it simply wont work and you should know many guys have the same problem in that they find someone they think is outstanding in terms of middos and personality but simply aren't attracted to the person.
having said that, the person's appearance can grow on you. to me there seem to be three broad categories. those you are instantly attracted to (obviously not the case here) those who you aren't attracted to, but also not repulsed by (this seems to be the most common category), and those you instantly find extremely unappealing on a physical level.
if it is the third category then it makes sense to say no right away b/c it simply wont work. however, if you simply "aren't attracted" at first but really like her personality then you should go out a few more times. you may be very pleasantly surprised in that her appearance can grow on you (it happens all the time). if after a few more times it hasnt grown on you, even a little, then you should end it. but until then...give it a shot. at the end of the day you have to be attracted to the woman you marry (though not infatuated with her looks)
g'luck
First, my votes are with the others. Looks are important, but what you define as "good looks" can change radically within a few dates--especially if she has a good personality. Give it a few dates and then if "zeh lo zeh", pull the plug. But try to really give it a fair shot and get to know her as a person.
Second, have faith in your ability to make the right decision. This may be more of a woman thing, but my friends always second and third guess themselves. Give it a fair shot, give it careful thought, and once you decide either way, trust yourself.
In the event that "zeh lo zeh" and you have to hit the dating circuit again, may I make a suggestion? There is no way of saying this nicely, so I will say it bluntly-- take a look in the mirror and ask yourself "am I looking for a level of attractiveness that is far greater than my own"? I have *no* idea what you look like--you could look like a movie star for all I know--but I have met quite a few guys who let themselves go completely but who expect the woman to look like a fashion model. They get fat. They are sloppy. They have bad table manners. Just...nebbishy. Yes, it is very true that women as a whole are not as concerned with looks as are men, but that is RELATIVE. You want a nice-looking girl? No shame in that. But make sure you are doing what you can do to be a nice looking, presentable guy. (Just because we may be willing to date an ugly man does not mean that we would not be quite happy to date one who is easy on the eyes).
And if you are already doing all that, share that piece of insider info with some of the 30+ crowd here in J'lem, now willya?
Good luck and welcome back!
Daphna
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