Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Sleepless Night

I am sitting on my bed, my thoughts racing. I furtively look around like a wild man who is being hunted. No one is around, but the cobwebs in the corner of the dormroom wall. A mouse dashes past against the wall that is peeling paint. It scapers away in an eyeblink. The fridge is humming. The freezer is open, and dripping water because the door latch doesn't lock completely. My eyes start to blur. My thoughts become stronger. Hammering against my skull, they beg to come out and eat me alive. I can't filter out the thoughts from the backround noise. They want me to do something. But I know it is not permitted. It will cause my demise. They cajole, beg and justify. I grab a sefer and start flipping through it. Maybe the answer lies in these holy pages. I have been promised. The bracha said it would be. A Tzaddik's word is true. It will be fulfilled. It must be. I bring up raiyah after raiyah to my claim. The evil forces begin to get mean. They start recalling the past. Remember when you ate that trief candybar? You didn't care about Hashem then. And what about that time you drank wine that had no Hechsher because you decided it was mutar since no goy touched a closed can. "No!" I yelled out loud to the empty room. "I didn't mean it then, but now I do!" My voice calmed down the evil thoughts. They were subdued for a moment.
I went to get a drink of water. I made the bracha loud and clear. Tears began to form in my eyes. How I wanted to be close to the source. It would be just a matter of time now. Everything would be perfect as the holy books said it would be.
I looked at my watch. My roomate and friends would be returning from night seder shortly. If I wanted to do anything it should be done now. Out of nowhere I started praying to Hashem, tears streaming down my cheeks. "I love you. I need you. Support me." I thought I heard a shofar sound and Moshiach was coming. I ran to the door and flung it open. The snowy night greeted me. I grabbed my coat and ran out into the cold night. I ran down the block to the ocean. The boardwalk was empty, nary a soul. The waves made a thumping noise as it crashed against the shore trying to drown the world. "Have no fear," I thought ironically, you will have all of us shortly. The moon shone bright on the water. Life didn't look so evil now. The stars twinkled and Orion the Warrior seemed to say, "Stick it out a little. What is your rush?" I raised my eyes to heaven and yelled on top of my lungs. "Hashem you promised me it will happen. I believe you." "You will not have my soul now."
I turned around and walked back to my room. I felt at peace.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Awesome writing!

12:58 AM  
Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

I second that.

hatzlacha to you

1:14 AM  

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