Ten rules for a successful marriage

Last night I attended a shiur by R' Pliskin, author of many books. He handed out a sheet from his book Gateway to Happiness.

Ten rules for a Successful Marriage

1) Keep your main focus on "giving" rather than "taking". When your goal is to give your partner pleasure, you will always find opportunities to meet your goal. As a byproduct you too will gain since people tend to reciprocate positive behavior.

2)Be careful to remain silent when your spouse insults you. By ignoring slights and insults you will prevent many needles quarrels. The momentary unpleasantness will quickly pass.

3)Give up unrealistic expectations. People come into marriage with many expectations which are not consciously expressed. By giving up unrealsitic expectations you will prevent frustration and anger. Don't expect your spouse to be perfect and don't make comparisons.

4)Avoid labeling those things which are not to your likeing as awful. Try to find a positive perspective to things.

5)Think of plans on how to motivate your spouse to want to do what you want him or her to do. If your first strategy is not effective, keep trying different stratagies. Remember that tactful praise is a powerful motivator.

6)Realize that the meaning of your communication is the respose you actually get. Clarify your goals. If your method of communication is not achieving your goal, change your approach. By keeping your eyes on your main goal, which is to have a happy marriage, you will not become sidetracked.

7)Be willing to compromise. Be willing to do something you would rather not do in return for similar behavior from your spouse.

8)Don't blame or condemn your spouse for mistakes. Plan on the best method to prevent the mistaes from reoccuring without arousing resentment or hurting your spouse's feelings.

9)Live in the present. Whatever went wrong in the past is over. Focus on improving the situation in the present.

10)Keep asking yourself: "What can I do to have a happy atmosphere in the house?"