Thursday, August 18, 2005

Ten rules for a successful marriage

Last night I attended a shiur by R' Pliskin, author of many books. He handed out a sheet from his book Gateway to Happiness.

Ten rules for a Successful Marriage

1) Keep your main focus on "giving" rather than "taking". When your goal is to give your partner pleasure, you will always find opportunities to meet your goal. As a byproduct you too will gain since people tend to reciprocate positive behavior.

2)Be careful to remain silent when your spouse insults you. By ignoring slights and insults you will prevent many needles quarrels. The momentary unpleasantness will quickly pass.

3)Give up unrealistic expectations. People come into marriage with many expectations which are not consciously expressed. By giving up unrealsitic expectations you will prevent frustration and anger. Don't expect your spouse to be perfect and don't make comparisons.

4)Avoid labeling those things which are not to your likeing as awful. Try to find a positive perspective to things.

5)Think of plans on how to motivate your spouse to want to do what you want him or her to do. If your first strategy is not effective, keep trying different stratagies. Remember that tactful praise is a powerful motivator.

6)Realize that the meaning of your communication is the respose you actually get. Clarify your goals. If your method of communication is not achieving your goal, change your approach. By keeping your eyes on your main goal, which is to have a happy marriage, you will not become sidetracked.

7)Be willing to compromise. Be willing to do something you would rather not do in return for similar behavior from your spouse.

8)Don't blame or condemn your spouse for mistakes. Plan on the best method to prevent the mistaes from reoccuring without arousing resentment or hurting your spouse's feelings.

9)Live in the present. Whatever went wrong in the past is over. Focus on improving the situation in the present.

10)Keep asking yourself: "What can I do to have a happy atmosphere in the house?"

3 Comments:

Blogger turquoiseblue said...

Brilliant.

From someone who's been there, done that, and continues trying to do all that. It works! (Not EASY to always follow those "golden rules", but it works!)

When I was engaged to be married, I put a little post-it note on my mirror "UNhappiness is the gap between expectations and reality".

Coming into a marriage with that attitude, and internalizing that "HEY, I am far from perfect. Yet I want my husband/wife to think of me as "the perfect one for him" - obviously - I have to condition my mind the same about him... you gotta accept some things that bug you about him/her - because you do want the same thing in return... just makes building a relationship/great marriage MUCH easier!

Oh, and "maintenance" is an absolute must!

Not that my marriage has no ups and downs... but its GREAT and I do think THAT IS a perfect marriage - UPS, DOWNS and staying close through it all, is.

11:34 AM  
Blogger EN said...

Turquoise-hnaks for the encouraging comment.

11:51 PM  
Blogger Michael said...

And, we now know that the Yeshiva Bachur lives in Flatbush!

...saw the signs posted all over the place but couldn't make it myself :)

12:34 AM  

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