Monday, July 18, 2005

The only way is up

I have hit rock bottom. When I hit the bottom that means there is nowhere else to go but up. That is a good sign. Life is like a yo-yo. Up one minute down the next. It is time I get a grip on myself. I need to be ambitious. I need to be a growing person. It is enough of being lazy. Laziness won't get me anywhere in life. I need to be motivated and begin to motivate and inspire myself. Sitting and building castles in the air will not get me to any goal. It will only make me depressed. Fooling around and e-mailing girls on will not get me any shidduchim. If I work on myself to be a kind, caring, and ambitious individual it might score be some brownie points. It is time to take charge of my life. Prioritize. Decide my goals and go for them. Push aside the stumbling blocks. Create goodness and purpose. Inspire others. Help others. Create a diffrence. Sleeping in bed will not accomplish this. Chatting on-line until 4:00 won't either. Doing other unmentionables deffinatley will not. It is the occasion to take what g-d has given me, my talents, my brains, my body to make it into a tool of one that g-d, humanity, and myself can be proud of. I must mold myself into a kli. Torah can only be poured into a soul if it is a kli. My job is to be the potter and form this masterpiece. It will be a tough journey. Anything worthwhile in life is not easy and not cheap. Providing for a family, being a father, a husband, a pillar in the community and to be a sourse of guidance for other is only accomplised through building and hard work. The time for me to start is now.

If I aim high I might get to the bottom rung.

My ambitions and goals:
1) Finish Shas and Kol Hatorah Kulah at least once in my life.
2)Write a Sefer Torah
3)get my accounting degree and provide for my family
4) learn to be the best person I can be
5) learn to appreciate people
6)become the best father and husband I can be
7)stop looking, thinking, talking about prusti-zachin
8) Have more kibud av v'em
9)Learn an extra 5 min a day
10)learn to play a music instrument
11) learn not to be depressed
12) learn some good magic tricks and dance moves to do at chasunas

I won't be depressed or intimidated when I re-read what I wrote.


Anonymous Chana said...

Hitting rock bottom can be terrible. Although in some ways one may feel there is no way to go but up, in other ways we feel so depressed, discouraged, simply unhappy and unstable, that it is nearly impossible to attempt to strive for higher and loftier goals.

I read your list of goals and considered your priorities. Although I admire your idea of finishing the Torah and writing a Sefer Torah, if your list was meant to be written in order of importance, I think I would differ. I personally think that understanding yourself and becoming self-aware, realizing your great strengths and what makes you think, realize what it is that thrills you- comes first. It is through understanding yourself that one learns to move forward, to look upwards, to become a better person, husband, or father.

There is nothing inherently wrong with Frumster or staying up till 4:00 AM unless they decrease your productivity or are being used as escape routes/ laziness/ forms of procrastination, which you seem to intimate. If so, however, the root of the problem is possibly not in your actions, or the rock-bottom you have hit, but the whys and wherefores. You don't want to be depressed- so what is it that depresses you? And why? What kind of person are you? And why? What kind of person do you strive to be? Again, why?

Consider yourself before considering any other duties- that is what I would consider your goal. Not necessarily striving to finish the entire Torah- although that is admirable. But learning about yourself and your actions and what makes you who you are...through that you can determine who you truly want to become.

I wish you good luck, EN...from here, there is only more pain and finally a great realization of truth/ beauty. But you will be moving, and simply in that moving onwards you forge ahead.

9:02 PM  
Blogger EN said...

chana-thank you for your comment and your insights. In actuality I did not purposely write my goals in any specific order but as they came first to mind. However when reading over them I wouldn't necissarily change their order. I am a yeshivah bachur first and formost. My job is to learn torah. I have a purpose in life and that is tantimount. Without torah learning my life would be meaningless. Although my depression comes from being lazy and being unsatisfied with my lot, I know that ultimatley Torah learning is what will make me happy. Of that I am certain and I put my trust in. I may be unhappy learning Torah now because I am not seeing any results and I do not appreciate it for what it is and I may not be learning when I do have the time and I push it off with excuses that I hate it and it is not useful to me and I have many doubts about what purpose is there in learning torah and how I will support my family if I sit all day in kollel.I place myself in a category that being on frumster is wastful. I feel it in my bones. I can not control my urges and feelings of lust and hate for something I believe is true but I do not understand.I know what I could have been if I didn't waste time. That is what hurts the most. To actual get up and stop wasting time is too hurtful to do right now. I don't want to give in to what I know is right and I would rather suffer in silence.I strive to be the best but fall when it comes to change. I depres myself so I don't have to become better. In reality I hate myself for being who I am since I want to be better than I am so that I will get what I want. Now having face my true self I am depressed even more and more hateful. So what did I accomplish?

11:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your list is very impressive. Be careful...

I want to share something I heard during a Elul Shmooze.

Be weary of these lists- they are the Yetzer Hara in disguise.

You need to divide this list into to sections "short term" goals- and "long term" ambitions. "Short term" goals are the keys to help you excel in your life goals and ambitions.

eg 4) learn to be the best person I can be
5) learn to appreciate people
because you want to reach: 6)become the best father and husband I can be

or 7)stop looking, thinking, talking about prusti-zachin
to reach 2)Write a Sefer Torah

or 9)Learn an extra 5 min a day
to reach 1) Finish Shas and Kol Hatorah Kulah at least once in my life.

or 12) learn some good magic tricks and dance moves to do at chasunas 10)learn to play a music instrument
to reach 11) learn not to be depressed

or 8) Have more kibud av v'em
to reach 6)become the best father and husband I can be


Of course you can!
Just remember lists can get overwhelming- stick to a few VERY small somethings and each day make a note if you were able to overcome.

Then look back and see your accomplishments!

1:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


"That is what hurts the most. To actual get up and stop wasting time is too hurtful to do right now. I don't want to give in to what I know is right and I would rather suffer in silence."

Of course it hurts!! That's what living is all about! YOU CHOOSE TO 'NOT GIVE IN AND SUFFER IN SILENCE"

"I strive to be the best but fall when it comes to change"

Remember, anytime you may "fail", know that you can reach that height again. The battle is that much easier to win when you know what you've won

"Open the door just a crack, and I [HASHEM] will open the door to the world"

1:51 AM  
Blogger Daphna said...

Dear EN

Oooooh! One of my favorite things! I am a big believer in setting goals. In fact, every year at Rosh Hashana, I sit down and invest many many hours in writing about who I am, what are my goals/ priorities, who I want to be and so on. I really write essays on a variety of topics. Then I write out an annual plan--my list. But the list is the last thing I do, after I have sat around pondering and focusing on "who do you want to be and where do you want to go in your life" and have managed to pick out what is really important to me right now. It was actually through that process of writing that I decided to become more observant. I have found the whole

What is the pitfall of lists? Lists become grab bags--you toss in all this stuff you want to do, you cannot possibly do it all...and then you feel bad and depressed because you aren't living up to your lists...and so you stop doing anything! A couple suggestions for you to increase your chances of your success:

1) Cut down the list, or at least (as others have suggested) designate some items for long-term, where you acknowledge that you are not going to start on them now.

2) Be realistic. Do you have time to study in kollel and write a Torah and study full time for your degree in accountancy? Do you have a background in secular studies? For that matter, if your long term goal is to support your family, I can tell you from my own experience that time invested in studies now will pay off down the line.

3) Reevaluate periodically. I do so quarterly, on an official basis, but also as I go along. Different goals will take varying amounts of time over the course of the year, either due to their seasonal nature or because of circumstances. In my case, one of my goals was to do more to build up my social life and my career. Then bang: I get cancer and my goals simply had to shift. But since I am *aware* of this and am telling myself "you just have to reallocate your time right now" I am not beating myself up over what I am not doing in other areas.

4) Bear in mind that if there is something you are not doing, there may be a subconcious reason. Unless you are causing yourself actual harm by not doing whatever it is, sometimes the best tactic is just to say "for whatever reason I am just not ready for this right now" and let it go for now. Don't let everything go--just give yourself a break on that one item. Clearly, some things are less flexible in this regards than others. Your brain is a whole lot mroe complex than you are and a lot of times it will clear up roadblocks a lot more effectively if you just leave it alone.

5) Make it tangible-What does "be a better person" mean? Seriously! I mean, it sounds nice, but how are you going to DO it. Consider choosing a couple specific areas in which you feel you need improvement and then identify specific things you can do to progress in those areas. I did that sort of analysis here:; look for the 9/18/04 post entitled "I made it".

BTW, my email is, if you want more info on goal setting. Which, as you can see, I am way into. :) I just hate to feel like I am just drifting, you know?

2:46 AM  
Blogger Daphna said...

The link is actually:

2:48 AM  
Blogger Daphna said...

Oh never mind.... :)

2:49 AM  
Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

dap, we could click on your name and go there.

10:34 PM  
Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

en, I know how you feel. I think about improving myself too. And I can relate about needing to motivate myself and do something so I make progress.

hatzlacha to you

10:41 PM  

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