Uncertainty

Sunday:

The date began calmly enough. We met in Manhattan and I (and that was as far as my knowledge went) was happy to see her, and heaved an internal sigh of relief that she didn't grow uglier over the last few days. You understand, I'm sure it has happened to you, that you went on a border line date that something bothered you and the next time you met the problem was still there and didn't magically disappear. Topically, there was no immediate danger of feelings of compromising on anything. I smiled to her, she smiled back, and the conversation began in ernest. During the meal conversation flowed, she doing most of the talking, but it was what I liked, hearing new opinions, novel ideas, she was quite interesting to listen to. Her voice is quite mesmerizing. Of course by now I have learned that girls take ages to make decisions about if they feel it is the right one. Their emotional stablity is precarious and it is best not to tip it off. So suggestions or any indication of moving to the next step until they are ahead of you is not advisable. Sometimes there is a slip up but I hope I correct it before it does much damage. As every girl, she knows millions of people with broken engagments and divorces and it is best not to rush into such an important thing as marriage. Feeling as I was that she had potential but her speaking of not knowing if I had potential made me nervous, but I understand where she is coming from and agreed. There is nothing to rush. When she told me, (after paying $40 dollars for a meal she didn't even eat from, at least she took it in a doggy bag) that she dated another guy for a month and then said no to him, my stomach started to flutter. Is all the money I would spend on all those dates going down the trash? Well, what can I do if G-d wants that it should happen it will and there is no arguing. We walked around a bit more, talking about how many dates until engagment, and what should you feel when you know or when should you turn it down. Looking back, it was a painful discussion because it was just talk and it felt more like a mussur seder than a fun date. She was talking how to be cautious about a marriage partner and here I was trying to decide if she was good for me. Well it was an intensive lesson. I was mad tired when I got home. Before I got on the subway, I din't know how to bring up the question if she wanted to go on another date. I need time to think, but it was something that I couldn't say no upfront, so generally I say yes even if I feel something bothers me. This time I it was a lesser twing than in the past. I suggested maybe she would want to go throught the shaddchan on sawyouastsinai, but she didn't give a dirrect response and asked me if she could have time to think about it and then she would e-mail me with a yes or no. I got on the train and headed home. If it will be a yes or no, only g-d knows. I am just soooooo worn out I don't know what to make of it.