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Have you ever had that sinking feeling that after going through grade school, finishing high school, learning with great chavrusas in Beis Medrash, compleating Mesechtas with Artscroll and Torah tapes, being on top of the world and really believing that God is running the world and nothing can go wrong in life, life is so magical with God running it. And then. BOOM! The program ends. No warning. It just stops to function. You give it a couple of bangs on the side as if it is a soda machine that is trying to steal your quarter. "Hahah, nice try, but you are not getting my money". The evil machine swallowed my life. My hard earned trust. It is not producing what was promised. I am not married by 21, I am not walking on water when I learn kabbalah, I am not getting money to sit and learn in Kollel. I have to go out and make a parnassah for myself. I need to immerse myself in the Tumah of the world and go to college and all the knowledge that was "usless" suddenly becomes important and priceless. Where is the honesty, why is there a seeming hypocracy? My feelings and thoughts on this state of confusion is that my test in life is to overcome my "sour milk" perspective on life and to change and undertand that the blockage to spiritual growth is in my hands and I hold my destiny. I can choose what to know and what to hold dear. Although the truth hold true, I hate the effort to pay for the software.